I live in LA, so it's always 80 degrees and sunny. We seriously never have rain, and when it does happen to sprinkle for 60 seconds it happens at 4 in the morning. So meteorologists have little to do out here. My local weather guy (Mark Thompson) annoys the shit out of me, because when he gives the weather...all he does is dance....and badly. C'mon man, at least fake like you're doing something!

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

The Acorn King would like to salute Chet Love, the undisputed most awesomest man ever. From the years 1977-1986 Chet ruled the underground scene as both a b-boy and a b-movie star.

Chet Love first gained notoriety in 1977 as the premiere star of "Whitesplotation" cinema. Hollywood took notice of the green rolling in from Blaxploitation titles such as: Shaft, Black Belt Jones, Blackula, Cleopatra Jones, The Mac, Superfly, and Black Caesar, now the studios hungered for a bigger piece of the bean pie. Whitesplotation was their answer. Chet was discovered in a Rent-A-Center® parking lot in Pawtucket Rhode Island, where he was found breakdancing on a square of linoleum beside his bitchin' Iroc-Z. In Chet the studios saw a white boy with ethnic crossover appeal, this was the most excited white people had been since Elvis.

The viewing audience was initially apprehensive of this new sub-genre of film. After all, the exploitation of white people was something entirely new to Americans — but Chet quickly won their hearts with his masterful portrayal of an outer-space tennis pro named "Esquire Jones," in the now classic Science Fiction series "Honkey Boy 9000." This role would earn Chet both public notoriety and international acclaim. Before you could say "lilly white" Honkey Boy was followed by an onslaught of more Whitesplotation films led by, "White Collar Dollar" and "Uncle Charlie's Cracker Farm." Chet's trademark good looks and darling catchphrase "white-on" took America by storm. For the first time in nearly a decade the white owned studios were in the black again.

Over the next few years, a slew of other titles followed: Honky-Tonk Honkey, Uppity McEntire, Agent Pasty Face, Vanilla Vega Summers The Hamptons, Honkey Boy 9001, Croquet Crackdown, Salt & Sugar Shakedown, Guest House Party, Suburban Snowfall, Chalk, No Rhythm All Blues, Honkey Boy 9002, WASP Weekend, Casper-Man Ain't Got No Love For Mookie-Man, White Devil's Dance Party, and Honkey Boy In Future Land...just to name a few.

In 1981 Chet would leave the silver screen and invade American households, to take a crack at 80's sticoms. His first endeavor was a comical episodic about an out of work English professor who finds love and life after accepting a job as a rich woman's dog walker — In the uproariously funny "Who's Walking Whom?"

The series was canceled after only eight episodes, but Chet quickly bounced back, accepting the role of 'Electric Willy Starks,' a breakdancing truck driver traveling the open road and serving all suckers who step in his path. The series was titled "Breaker-Breaker." The series lasted only six episodes, yet it was the most successful show ever to air on ABC.

By 1983 Chet had amassed an army of lady-friends and one of the finest mustaches in all of Hollywood, but sick of all the limelight, Chet made the decision to drop out of the public eye and return to his modest playboy life of underground breakdancing. So If you're in the right place at the right time, wearing the right denim, you might just catch a glimpse of this funky folk hero famous for his expensive taste in cheap women. The world knows him as Chet.

Fast Fact: Chet's great uncle (Winthrope Love) broke the color barrier of the Negro Leagues, becoming the first and only white player to ever play in a negro league game.

Chet Love is difficult to sum up into words, but a noted paleontologist once put it best when he said:
“CHET IS LARGER THAN LIFE. TO BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND CHET YOU MUST FIRST UNDERSTAND THE INNER-WORKINGS OF THE UNIVERSE AND OUR PLACE IN IT AS A WHOLE. THE CREATION OF MAN, AND THE CREATION OF LIFE ITSELF.”

As a postscript to the Chet piece, I would also like people to know that Chet was indirectly responsible for the invention of the Almond Joy Bar. One day while "showin' some sucka the score" in a breakdancing comp Chet pulled out the now legendary Vanilla Thunder Shakedown, causing his opponent to fall down in disgrace. His opponent, Cool Breeze LBC, fell onto Chet's open Mounds bar. Upon standing-up, with the candy stuck to his crotch, Chet yelled "Mounds don't have Nuts". At this precise moment a candy executive was walking by and an advertising phenomenom was sparked. This is not an exaggeration of the truth but a factual event witnessed by myself, Cool Breeze's top dog — Pookie Head Jenkins.

Visit Chet's fan page on MySpace: Chet Love

Major League Baseball spring training has begun, but nothing has grabbed the headlines more then Alex Rodriguez, the most recent case in this troubling steroids scandal. To hopefully shed some light on the situation, I recently sat down with Victor Conte, founder and president of Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative (BALCO).

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Super Bowl XLIII (43 for the roman numeral impaired), has come and gone, but the advertising aftertaste still lingers. In my opinion, there were a lot of average commercials during this Super Bowl (and I think this is usually the case), so I'm leaving all the grade "C" ads out of this post and am only focusing on the opposite ends of the spectrum, the "good" and the "ugly."

The spots this year went for a reported 3 million dollars a :30 spot, then add to that the cost to produce each spot and you're looking at 3.5-4 million dollars a commercial! It's hard to fathom that in these financially strapped times, businesses like Go Daddy could piss away 6-7 million dollars on shitty Super Bowl commercials. WTF?! I think this might be a good segue into the spots, I'll start with the ugly first.

THE UGLY.

Doritos, "Crystal Ball"


First off, the casting of the main actor in this spot was awful. Second, a nut-shot joke as your big payoff? Really? What is this, a Bud Light spot?
Grade: D


Doritos, "Magic Chip"


Oh, he bites the chip and the girl's clothes came off, HA! Oh, he bites a chip and the ATM spit money out, AWESOME! Oh, he bites a chip and turned a cop into a monkey, RADICAL! Oh, he walks out in front of a bus and bites it!!! No, the douche lived. Shit.
If only I could bite into a chip and make this ad disappear, just like the 7 million Doritos ate on advertising.
Grade: D-


GoDaddy.com, "Shower"


This is one of those commercials that had me saying "what just happened?" These ads make me wonder if this company is run by horny 12 yr old boys, or is that just their target market? This commercial is proof that sex doesn't always sell. Hey, I have a domain name I'd like to register with you: YouHornyLittlePricksJustPissedAwaySevenMillionDollars.com.
Grade: F


GoDaddy.com, "Enhanced"


Just when I thought Go Daddy couldn't make a worse ad then the last one, they out-suck themselves. This isn't just one of the worst Super Bowl spots I've ever seen, this is one of the worst commercials I have ever seen, late-night infomercials included. I'm sure GoDaddy could be doing something better with all the money they wasted on bad spots. To top it all off, they do their advertising in-house — so no blaming the ad agency on this one bros!
Grade: F


Budweiser, "Fetch"


I get it, Clydesdale horses. Beer. Horses. Honor. Beer. Horse. Horse. Drunk. Beastiality.
Grade: D


Budweiser, "Circus"


"I didn't know Daisy was dating." Ha, ha, ha, ha, barf. I hear the glue factory calling.
Grade: D-


Budweiser, "Generation"


Oh look, the horse tried to pull people in the cart, but is so big the people are lifted off the ground...ha, ha, ha! Bang! Your horse ancestors are saddened by this advertisement.
Grade: D-


Gatoraid, "Talking Heads"


With Gatoraid, I expect "cooler" commercials than this. This time they set the bar high and then limboed right under it, using an old first-thought concept of "talking heads." Oh, but some of the talking heads are really obscure, and if you know who they are, then you are very coooool. Not so much. Even the name, "The G," is lame. It's like they were trying to be so cool, that it really just made this spot lame.
Grade: D-


Bud Light Drinkability, "Ski Slope"


These spots should be about "suckability," for the next spot can you please draw a gag in the mouth of the spokesperson?
Grade: D+


SoBe Lifewater, "Lizard Lake"


What do you do when you're in advertising, not creative, and can't come up with a single original idea? You do a spot with a talking, or dancing animal, or in this case lizard. But the ad wizards behind this campaign was so unoriginal that they copied the exact same bad idea from the year before, but made it look extra awkward by adding rhythmless football players. But hey don't worry, they put it in 3-D, so it would suck on an extra dimension. However, Ray Lewis does sort of look like a lizard.
Grade: D-


Overstock.com, "Carlos Boozer"


Oh look, it's Carlos Boozer, he's a household name! (I truly hope you can read all the sarcasm in this.) Ok, this spot is bad on so many levels, but if there is one thing I would want the ad wizards to take away from this, it would be: Never use the phrase "bling-bling" again. It died many years ago after too many old white people said it during dinner parties.
Grade: D-



THE GOOD.

E*Trade, "Singing Baby"


I gotta say, I'm not a fan of talking babies, but these spots are done really well. My favorite is still the one with the creepy clown, but this one was pretty good too. Love how the baby keeps trying to break into song.
Grade: B+


Cheetos, "Pigeons"


I like the other Cheetos spot that is running now a bit better then this one (the one that takes place at a kids soccer game), but this one's not bad. Overall, I'm a big fan of the new bluesy Chester Cheetah mascot. I like the attitude. "Give daddy a kiss."
Grade: B


Monster.com, "Moose Head"


When looking at a trophy head on a wall, I've actually always wondered what the other side of the wall might look like if the rest of the animal were still attached, this commercial answered that. Nice job Monster, and thank you for refraining from what could have been an easy poop joke at the end of this spot, Bud Light could learn from your restraint.
Grade: B+


CareerBuilder.com, "Tips"


Dude, awesome. This was my favorite spot of the night, punching the Koala and having it spill coffee was brilliant. Muah! I would have given this spot an A+, but I thought they could have come up with a slightly funnier vignette then the speedo toenail clipping guy. Very nice work. "It's gold."
Grade: A


Coke Zero, "Troy Polamalu"




Thought this spot was a smart take on the classic Mean Joe Green spot, especially since Pittsburgh players were featured in both, I also thought ripping off the Coke Zero spokesperson's shirt and tossing it to the kid was a clever twist in this updated version.
Grade: B


Hulu.com, "Alec Baldwin"


Yes, this was basically a commercial for 30 Rock, but I love that show, so it works. I also like that Hulu didn't take their tagline too serious at the end, going with the line: "Hulu, an evil plot to destroy the world, enjoy." Props.
Grade: B+


Pepsi, "Pepsuber"

Love the MacGruber SNL sketches, thought this one was pretty funny, but the camera work in it was a little too shaky (a bit distracting), and I thought the dialogue could have been a bit funnier, but nice work on actually getting Richard Dean Anderson for the spot, Canada is smiling.
Grade: B-





All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Sometimes when I'm at work and don't want to be at work, I pull a Ferris Bueller and go enjoy the day. Somehow my co-workers never seem to notice.

Who would have thought I'd get so much use out of that Mexican wrestling mask I bought. Written in the notebook the dummy is holding was a list of possible wrestling names for himself. He ended up choosing "The Tijuana Tickler."

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

This is the first in a comic series I'm working on with the nut-tastic (that sounded perverse) illustrator Tamara Starr. The series is titled "Malefactor."

Malefactor \ˈma-lə-fak-tər\
1: One who commits an offense against the law ; especially : felon.
2: One who does ill toward another.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

With unemployment rates up, I thought I'd offer some "bored games" for people sitting at home doing nothing. I posted these in San Fran, Portland, Topeka, Vegas, and Minneapolis. I got a couple replies from San Fran (always good to me), but the response was definitely best this time in Portland & Topeka. Congrats Portland & Topeka, you're the coolest city winners this time!

Here are a few responses I received:









Then I received a few responses from people who I think thought these were real games, either that or they were just screwing back with me:





This one I received from Topeka Kansas was my favorite of them, because they had emailed me this afternoon and when I didn't get back they emailed me again this evening seeing if they could pick the games up. They even left their cell # incase I had trouble reaching them.





So I had to email them back, still waiting to see if they'll respond to my email. I wish I had a way of taping a phone conversation if I called them.



Gotta love those GOOD TOPEKA PEOPLE!

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Hey all, sorry I've been gone so long. Thanks Muskrat for wondering where I've been, I wish I had some exciting reason why I've been on break — but really I've just been finding new and exciting ways to procrastinate things I should be doing. My break did however prove that the world does go on without the Acorn King, although I'm not exactly sure why the hell it would want to. Seriously though, so much has changed in my absence that I had to put it all into list form.

Here's a list of some things that have transpired during my departure:

• The United States elected its first black president! (since Bill Clinton)
  
• Sarah Palin returned to being a runner up.
  
• Fires have consumed California and left my patio covered in a nice layer of ash.
  
• People donned costumes and begged for candy.
• The Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series.
• College basketball season started. Go UConn!
• Hugh Hefner broke up with his 3 girlfriends.
• Hugh Hefner started dating 19 yr. old twins.
• I did a month-long colon cleanse (too much info?)
• Astronomers discovered new planets outside our solar system.
• Cloris Leachman was voted off Dancing With The Stars.
• I realized people actually watch Dancing With The Stars.
• I purchased an Xbox 360 (a contributing factor to my departure).
  
• I thought of a new Craigs List post.
• The Stock Market continued to plummet. 
• TRL on MTV finally ended.
• I thought about learning to play the Keytar. 
• I found out how much a Keytar costs and changed my mind.
• We turned our clocks back.
• I stopped watching CNN 24/7 now that the election ended.
• I stopped watching news altogether.
• I started inventing my own news.
• Bacon replaced the dollar as our new form of currency.
• Water was named the #1 cause of drowning deaths in the U.S. for 2008.

So are we good? Are we all caught up now?

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

As I survey the eggs smashed along the sidewalks of my neighborhood I shed a tear and pour a little batter out for all those eggs that never reached their potential of being an omelet in my belly. Poor-poor eggs. Another Halloween is in the bag and this one was just as stressful as the rest. Why is it that the older we get the more stressful this holiday gets?

What are you gonna be this year? Are you going to dress-up at work? Is anyone else going to dress-up? I don’t want to be the only one dressed up. Who’s having a party? Is there a theme? How much am I going to have to spend on a costume I’m only going to wear for a couple hours? Can I find something cheap at the thrift store? Why does all this thrift store crap smell like dust and urine? Why does it cost as much as something I’d actually buy in a real store? Is it going to be too cold to wear this out? Is this going to be too hot to wear all night? Can I get drunk in it? Is it original enough, or is someone else going to be dressed like me? I better get some good candy out of this.

Halloween shouldn’t be stressful, but it gets that way. Long lines at costume stores don’t help up the fun-factor either, especially the ones in the city. Lines were stretching around the block this weekend, as if people were waiting to get into a cool club. There were even two ‘bouncers’ regulating the amount of people going in and out. Who do I have to know to buy a fake moustache in this town?!

Then we have the ‘Best Costume Contest’!!! Is it just me, or does the person that always wins have to be the one dressed in the biggest most elaborately uncomfortable costume? Next year I’ll win by dressing as a fully-matured oak tree, complete with tree house, nesting birds, and tire swing - all while being covered in poison sumac. Booya.

BTW (cool chat abbreviation)…when did ‘Slut’ become the official costume for girls across the U.S. (cool country abbreviation)? Slutty maid, slutty nurse, slutty angel, slutty devil, slutty librarian, slutty flight attendant, slutty popular children’s cartoon character. Hmm, maybe next year try turning the tables by dressing as a conservative hooker. But at least you dress like something. My main beef is with the 2 cool for school kids (usually teens that are way past their Halloween prime) that think they can get my candy by not dressing-up at all. Just because you slap bunny ears on your head doesn’t make me think you’re a bunny. You’re still dressed in your street clothes kid! I want to be fooled when I open that door. I want to think to myself…did I really just give candy to a talking bunny holding a bag? Crazy bunnies these days. Crazy, crazy bunnies.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Life in the 1980's was nothing short of radical.
Video games invaded our homes, MTV walked on the moon, and Spiderman was yet to be played by that douche Toby McGuire. Speaking of, the frightened kid you see in the photo is me. I drastically misjudged the sheer creepiness of sitting on the lap of a giant spandex spider.

During the 80's my home was made up of me, my three older sisters, my mom, and my dad who was in the Navy and often out to sea. At a very early age I had to learn how to live in a house with all girls. Four women and one bathroom, you do the math. It goes without saying that Sports Illustrated was nowhere to be found on my coffee table, while magazines like Glamour and Cosmo covered every surface. I may not have known how to hit a hanging curve, but dammit could I accentuate a cheekbone.

My youngest sister would often give me hand-me-downs (which were luckily gender neutral). Oh, I forgot to mention that my youngest sister is actually nine years older than me, making her hand-me-downs a decade out of date. Gee thanks for that pet rock sis, I'll have fun playing with it while listening to your discarded collection of David Cassidy 8-tracks!

So when Christmas came, I quickly tore into my presents, unearthing a glorious "red team" Photon set. This was my "Red Rider" BB gun. I immediately wondered which color my neighbors got, who was going to enter battle with me and my red team?

I hoped my neighbor Cathy didn't get the red kit. She was an especially whiny girl, who suffered from fallen arches and crippling allergies — weaknesses that would never fly with my elite force of futuristic assassins.

So after I went through the motions of opening the boxes of clothing and lesser toys, I strapped on my Photon helmet and chest guard on and went into the bathroom to gaze at myself in all my ass-kicking awesomeness. After I finished soaking it in, I rushed out to our neighborhood randevouz, the cul-de-sac at the end of our street.

The freaky flat footed Cathy was already there waiting at the end of the street, it was just like her to be early, didn't she know nobody liked her? As I got closer I could now see that she wasn't even holding a Photon gun, her parents got her Lazer Tag, what an idiot! I was quite relieved that I didn't have to worry anymore about her fighting on my squad.

I awkwardly waited out in the cold with Cathy for a few minutes before I saw the Toriello clan emerge from their driveway, they were joined by the Graham boys, who were in-turn followed by the Brewer twins. I really hoped the Toriello kids got red, not only were they a few years older and faster, but they also had amassed a stockpile of smoke bombs, throwing stars, blow guns, canteens, and a go-kart — plus a bunch of other supremely cool stuff that had nothing to do with laser fighting, but was still rad. The Toriello's also had an awesome tree fort which could serve as our home base.

As soon as everyone got to about 3 mailboxes away my anticipation quickly faded to horror. I could now see that the Toriello and Graham kids were carrying Lazer Tag guns too! How could this happen?

I was hopeful for a second when I didn't see the Brewer Twins holding Lazer Tag pistols, but that faded as soon as they informed me their parents didn't get them either. They instead got Freezy Freakies gloves, a Furby and a box of Garbage Pail Kid cards. Lame.

It turns out the Toriello and Graham parents went shopping together and were persuaded by the sales people to buy Lazer Tag, because it was the popular choice. As for Cathy, well this is the girl that was still eating baby food up through high school – true story.

Having totally been decimated by the widespread parental betrayal in my neighborhood, I did the only thing a now friendless kid with Photon could do. I shut myself in the bathroom, flipped off all the lights and watched my Photon helmet light-up as I repeatedly shot myself in the mirror.

The following Christmas I learned my lesson and opted to trade my Photon helmet in for a BMX helmet and bike. At least this was one sport that didn't require coordination with the rest of the neighborhood.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

If you thought whacky "lovable" sidekicks were only fodder for 80's sitcoms, think again. Sarah Palin is winking her folksy way right to the top of the cheesy sidekicks list — one "yoobetcha" at a time. So how does Sarah stack up to cheesy sidekicks of the past? Let's take a look.

Sarah "Moose Mom" Palin

Sitcom:
The U.S. Government

Role:
Possible second in command of the United States of America &
"Weapon of Mass Distraction" for John McCain.

Fast Fact:
This beauty pageant runner-up, and everyday hockey mom from Alaska, had her world turned upside down after receiving an unexpected call from John McCain asking her to be his running mate (and soulmate). Sarah accepted, quickly packing up the dog sled and heading to mainland America. 

Why does this all sound eerily similar to the plot of The Beverly Hillbillies?

Likability Rating:
4%

Balki Bartokomous

Sitcom:
Perfect Strangers

Role:
The young gentle hearted long lost cousin of Larry Appleton.

Fast Fact:
Before coming to America, Balki worked as a shepherd on the Island of Mypos. Whenever Balki is immensely pleased by something, he forces Larry to do the Dance of Joy. This consists of ridiculous leg kicks and alternating chants of "Hey," ending with Cousin Larry jumping into Balki's arms.

Likability Rating:
91%

Edwin "Skippy" Handleman

Sitcom:
Family Ties

Role:
Geeky neighbor & best buddy to Alex P. Keaton.

Fast Fact:
Skippy's most famous episode was the one where he discovered that he was adopted by his parents, he then demanded to be referred to only as "Baby Boy Doe" for the rest of the episode.

Likability Rating:
72%

Walter "Cockroach" Bradley

Sitcom:
The Cosby Show

Role:
Theo's best friend.

Fast Fact:
Theo and Cockroach once attempted to take a shortcut when studying for an exam on Shakespeare by listening to it on record. This only confused them more, teaching them that there is no shortcut for proper education — a life lesson we can all learn from.

Likability Rating:
89%

Richard Milhous "Boner" Stabone

Sitcom:
Growing Pains

Role:
Best friend to Mike Seaver.

Fast Fact:
Holds the title for stupidest name ever given to a sitcom character. Even when I was a kid I knew something was seriously wrong with this name.

Likability Rating:
66%

Kimmy Gibbler

Sitcom:
Full House

Role:
Long time friend to DJ Tanner.

Fast Fact:
The tanners always made Kimmy keep her socks on, due to her extremely stinky feet.

Likability Rating:

8%

Woody Boyd

Sitcom:
Cheers.

Role:

The lovable simple-minded bartender with small town values, who is transplanted from Hanover Indiana to the big city of Boston.

Fast Fact:
Woody replaced Ernie "Coach" Pantusso as assistant bartender at Cheers. Woody's most memorable moment came when he attempted to impress his well-to-do girlfriend (Kelly Gaines) by singing her an original song he wrote for her.

Likability Rating:
98%

Marcy "D'Arcy" Rhoades

Sitcom:
Married With Children

Role:
Kinky next door neighbor to Al and Peggy Bundy.

Fast Fact:
When she's not a rockin' the bedposts with her husband, Marcy enjoys a night out with the girls. Al's wife, Peg Bundy and Marcy like to visit male strip joints. Once Marcy lost her wedding ring down the pants of an exotic stripper named Zorro while cramming dollar bills down his briefs.

Likability Rating:
52%

Buddy Lembeck

Sitcom:
Charles in Charge

Role:
Charles dimwitted buddy, Buddy.

Fast Fact:
Later in his career, actor Willy Aames (Buddy), became a born again Christian. From 1995 to 2004, he starred in a video series and annual touring performances as the Christian superhero Bibleman, although he has since retired from the role.

Likability Rating:
78%

Larry Dallas

Sitcom:
Three's Company

Role:
Upstairs neighbor and womanizing friend to Jack Tripper.

Fast Fact:

Larry's favorite hangout was the Regal Beagle, where he would frequently lie to women about his profession in order to sleep with them.

Likability Rating:
88% (Guys)

9% (Girls)

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License