So I took this picture of a Price is Right spokesmodel creepily glaring at the camera and posted it on Buzzfeed the other day, looks like it's catching on, because I saw it has now been posted on Playboy's new safe for work site 'The Smoking Jacket.' The really funny thing is that she held that face through the entire piece. Creeeeepy.


All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Nestled away in our corner of the universe is a very special planet, a planet with a dream to shed its sulfuric acid rains and adopt the creature comforts that come with having a stable atmosphere. This planet is known simply as Venus.

Venus, named after the Roman goddess of love, is the second brightest natural object in the night sky, second only to the moon. But you don’t need a telescopic tube, or a Richard Branson flying space machine, to explore the surface of Venus, because she can be amorously ogled right here on earth, taking her clothes off for money at pretty much any nudie bar.

Of all the planets, it’s unknown why Venus is the most popularly stripped under. Mars isn’t a bad name, but I guess that’s only where men are from. How about Pluto? Naw, I suppose that conjures images of that Disney dog. Uranus? Well, that’s self-explanatory. So maybe I get it. Venus is the only planet in our solar system named after a female figure and after-all, they are both carbon-based entities hurling through space, but the parallels don't stop there.

Much like their sister planet, Earth’s Venus’ manage to thrive, despite having to exist in a volatile atmosphere. Cloaked beneath a thick layer of smoke and bad makeup, Earth’s Venus’ are sonically bombarded by the violent collisions of empty beer glasses and the deafening screeches of bad hair bands. Its known inhabitants are pervish creatures, flaccidly humping-away at the American dream, one creased dollar at a time. But it’s that dollar that keeps Venus rotating.

While Venus (the planet) rotates around the sun,
Venus (the stripper) chooses to rotate around a pole.

Human astronauts have yet to successfully land on the surface of Venus (the planet). While human men, and occasionally women, have completed countless missions to Venus (the stripper).

The planet Venus is the second planet from the sun.
The stripper Venus is often the runner-up in life.

The planet Venus has the densest atmosphere of all the terrestrial planets. The stripper Venus is usually, well, just dense.

While space men don’t know what viruses, if any, exist on the planet Venus. Earth men are quite certain a multitude of viruses exist on our stripper version.

Planet Venus is located right in the heart of our galaxy. Stripper Venus is located not too far off the interstate, probably in that seedy little bar nestled behind the Galaxy Bowl.

Hopefully this entry will help resolve at least some of the cosmic unknown that has troubled astronomers since the dawn of the 1960’s. Now scientists can once again position their telescopes not at the neighbor’s window, but up at the night sky.

And when your local strip club DJ projects into the mic: “Welcome to the stage, Venus. Venus everybody, put your hands together for Venus.” Just think about how many light years it’s taken for that name to travel. Then raise a buck as tribute to the cosmos above and all the heavenly bodies that mirror her image below.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

The Acorn King would like to salute Chet Love, the undisputed most awesomest man ever. From the years 1977-1986 Chet ruled the underground scene as both a b-boy and a b-movie star.

Chet Love first gained notoriety in 1977 as the premiere star of "Whitesplotation" cinema. Hollywood took notice of the green rolling in from Blaxploitation titles such as: Shaft, Black Belt Jones, Blackula, Cleopatra Jones, The Mac, Superfly, and Black Caesar, now the studios hungered for a bigger piece of the bean pie. Whitesplotation was their answer. Chet was discovered in a Rent-A-Center® parking lot in Pawtucket Rhode Island, where he was found breakdancing on a square of linoleum beside his bitchin' Iroc-Z. In Chet the studios saw a white boy with ethnic crossover appeal, this was the most excited white people had been since Elvis.

The viewing audience was initially apprehensive of this new sub-genre of film. After all, the exploitation of white people was something entirely new to Americans — but Chet quickly won their hearts with his masterful portrayal of an outer-space tennis pro named "Esquire Jones," in the now classic Science Fiction series "Honkey Boy 9000." This role would earn Chet both public notoriety and international acclaim. Before you could say "lilly white" Honkey Boy was followed by an onslaught of more Whitesplotation films led by, "White Collar Dollar" and "Uncle Charlie's Cracker Farm." Chet's trademark good looks and darling catchphrase "white-on" took America by storm. For the first time in nearly a decade the white owned studios were in the black again.

Over the next few years, a slew of other titles followed: Honky-Tonk Honkey, Uppity McEntire, Agent Pasty Face, Vanilla Vega Summers The Hamptons, Honkey Boy 9001, Croquet Crackdown, Salt & Sugar Shakedown, Guest House Party, Suburban Snowfall, Chalk, No Rhythm All Blues, Honkey Boy 9002, WASP Weekend, Casper-Man Ain't Got No Love For Mookie-Man, White Devil's Dance Party, and Honkey Boy In Future Land...just to name a few.

In 1981 Chet would leave the silver screen and invade American households, to take a crack at 80's sticoms. His first endeavor was a comical episodic about an out of work English professor who finds love and life after accepting a job as a rich woman's dog walker — In the uproariously funny "Who's Walking Whom?"

The series was canceled after only eight episodes, but Chet quickly bounced back, accepting the role of 'Electric Willy Starks,' a breakdancing truck driver traveling the open road and serving all suckers who step in his path. The series was titled "Breaker-Breaker." The series lasted only six episodes, yet it was the most successful show ever to air on ABC.

By 1983 Chet had amassed an army of lady-friends and one of the finest mustaches in all of Hollywood, but sick of all the limelight, Chet made the decision to drop out of the public eye and return to his modest playboy life of underground breakdancing. So If you're in the right place at the right time, wearing the right denim, you might just catch a glimpse of this funky folk hero famous for his expensive taste in cheap women. The world knows him as Chet.

Fast Fact: Chet's great uncle (Winthrope Love) broke the color barrier of the Negro Leagues, becoming the first and only white player to ever play in a negro league game.

Chet Love is difficult to sum up into words, but a noted paleontologist once put it best when he said:
“CHET IS LARGER THAN LIFE. TO BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND CHET YOU MUST FIRST UNDERSTAND THE INNER-WORKINGS OF THE UNIVERSE AND OUR PLACE IN IT AS A WHOLE. THE CREATION OF MAN, AND THE CREATION OF LIFE ITSELF.”

As a postscript to the Chet piece, I would also like people to know that Chet was indirectly responsible for the invention of the Almond Joy Bar. One day while "showin' some sucka the score" in a breakdancing comp Chet pulled out the now legendary Vanilla Thunder Shakedown, causing his opponent to fall down in disgrace. His opponent, Cool Breeze LBC, fell onto Chet's open Mounds bar. Upon standing-up, with the candy stuck to his crotch, Chet yelled "Mounds don't have Nuts". At this precise moment a candy executive was walking by and an advertising phenomenom was sparked. This is not an exaggeration of the truth but a factual event witnessed by myself, Cool Breeze's top dog — Pookie Head Jenkins.

Visit Chet's fan page on MySpace: Chet Love

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

So my cousin from Dallas (pictured to the left, showing us where his poop comes from) recently had a prank played on him by his friend, Raja. 

Apparently Raja sent my cousin this tacky airplane keychain, pictured to the right. The keychain was packaged in a nice box, including a professional-looking form letter and an invoice for $350! It included his credit card number, address and phone number. He somehow even had it mailed from New York. When Adam called the number on the invoice he reached a pissed off dry cleaner in Manhattan. He then called his credit card company to check if the charge had gone through yet and they said that it hadn't. Raja let him stew in this one right-up until Adam was about to cancel his credit card, it was at this point that he finally fessed-up to the prank.

Sometimes when I'm at work and don't want to be at work, I pull a Ferris Bueller and go enjoy the day. Somehow my co-workers never seem to notice.