So I discovered a random online chat service a couple weeks ago, it's called Omegle and by "random," I mean random.

When you first log-on the computer pairs you up with a total stranger. You don't know their age, if they are a guy, girl, or mythical beast. You don't know where they live, or even if they like the band Toto. You don't know anything and this is where the hi-jinx ensues. Basically, whatever the first person types is what starts the conversation, so I decided to have a little fun with this. Here are the first three conversations I had on Omegle.

I WANT TO EAT SOME BABIES.


WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH $1,000?





DID YOU DO IT?

Nestled away in our corner of the universe is a very special planet, a planet with a dream to shed its sulfuric acid rains and adopt the creature comforts that come with having a stable atmosphere. This planet is known simply as Venus.

Venus, named after the Roman goddess of love, is the second brightest natural object in the night sky, second only to the moon. But you don’t need a telescopic tube, or a Richard Branson flying space machine, to explore the surface of Venus, because she can be amorously ogled right here on earth, taking her clothes off for money at pretty much any nudie bar.

Of all the planets, it’s unknown why Venus is the most popularly stripped under. Mars isn’t a bad name, but I guess that’s only where men are from. How about Pluto? Naw, I suppose that conjures images of that Disney dog. Uranus? Well, that’s self-explanatory. So maybe I get it. Venus is the only planet in our solar system named after a female figure and after-all, they are both carbon-based entities hurling through space, but the parallels don't stop there.

Much like their sister planet, Earth’s Venus’ manage to thrive, despite having to exist in a volatile atmosphere. Cloaked beneath a thick layer of smoke and bad makeup, Earth’s Venus’ are sonically bombarded by the violent collisions of empty beer glasses and the deafening screeches of bad hair bands. Its known inhabitants are pervish creatures, flaccidly humping-away at the American dream, one creased dollar at a time. But it’s that dollar that keeps Venus rotating.

While Venus (the planet) rotates around the sun,
Venus (the stripper) chooses to rotate around a pole.

Human astronauts have yet to successfully land on the surface of Venus (the planet). While human men, and occasionally women, have completed countless missions to Venus (the stripper).

The planet Venus is the second planet from the sun.
The stripper Venus is often the runner-up in life.

The planet Venus has the densest atmosphere of all the terrestrial planets. The stripper Venus is usually, well, just dense.

While space men don’t know what viruses, if any, exist on the planet Venus. Earth men are quite certain a multitude of viruses exist on our stripper version.

Planet Venus is located right in the heart of our galaxy. Stripper Venus is located not too far off the interstate, probably in that seedy little bar nestled behind the Galaxy Bowl.

Hopefully this entry will help resolve at least some of the cosmic unknown that has troubled astronomers since the dawn of the 1960’s. Now scientists can once again position their telescopes not at the neighbor’s window, but up at the night sky.

And when your local strip club DJ projects into the mic: “Welcome to the stage, Venus. Venus everybody, put your hands together for Venus.” Just think about how many light years it’s taken for that name to travel. Then raise a buck as tribute to the cosmos above and all the heavenly bodies that mirror her image below.

So I just checked this analytics service I use for my blog, to see which search terms are leading people to my site and I was delighted to discover that my number one search term was: "Old Woman Porn," sweet!

Now, I'm pretty sure this has got to be due to my: "That Time I Found An Old Woman's Porn Stash" post from last year. Actually I'm sure it is, because anyone arriving at this blog, hoping to catch a bifocal full of wrinkled-racks, or time-worn-taints, would be colossally disappointed.

Of course the irony of this is, by writing this post, I've now doubled my chances of disappointing those searchers stumbling upon my blog for the first time. So, as to not make this a total waste of their time, here you go. You're welcome.

So I was lying in bed this morning thinking about how I really need to take out my recycling bin today, then my mind started to drift and I started thinking about how I really still need to see that Al Gore environmental movie “An Inconvenient Truth,” I can’t believe I still haven’t seen it, it’s been in my Netflix queue for ages.

Well, then for some reason my mind shifted gears again and I felt the need to think what the porno knockoff title for that movie would be…you know, like “Harry Potter” would be “Harry Twater,” or “Saving Private Ryan” would become “Shaving Ryan’s Privates,” or "Star Wars" becomes "Star Whores"…stuff like that, we’ve all played that game. C’mon, don’t give me that look like I just shat in your grandmother’s stew. Ok, so maybe I did once.



Anyway, I laid there in bed for a good 15 minutes trying to think of a good porn parody name for “An Inconvenient Truth” and I came up with nada. Well I came up with “A Prepubescent Youth,” but that didn’t really rhyme as well as I'd like, plus it really didn't make sense with the original title.

Over the years I’ve easily come up with some great porn titles for many, many, many movies, so why not now? Then I remembered Al Gore’s wife (Tipper Gore) and her battle in the mid 80’s to put those irritating parental advisory labels on all music with lyrics deemed “offensive.”



I remember going shopping with my parents and having to scrape the parental advisory sticker off a Public Enemy tape just so my parents would buy it for me. Luckily the advisory warning was in sticker form and not printed onto the actual album art. But really those labels did nothing but bring more attention to the albums they were slapped on.
As a teen, that lable might as well read: "Parental Advisory Awesome Lyrics"




So with that in mind, could it be that the ever-crafty Al Gore has built an anti-porn naming system into the title of his movie? Brilliant!

Assignment: Can anyone think of a good porn name for this movie that still rhymes with the title and is recognizable enough to the original, so you’d still know which movie it came from?

Sure we've all heard the old joke about how men read Playboy for the the articles.
Well, in this case it's actually true. Pictured below is a genuine issue of Playboy Magazine in braille.

Check out Miss July!

The National Library Service for the Blind and Physically Handicapped (NLS) distribute editions of this popular men's magazine in braille, containing no pictures or advertisements.

However in 1985 the publication hit a snag when the House of Representatives cut funding for the printing of these editions.

Fortunately a Federal District judge ruled that the Library of Congress was in direct violation of the First Amendment by cutting funding, putting Playboy magazine back into the hands of the sightless.

So now men (and women) of all visual capabilities can return to enjoying Playboy Magazine for what they really read it for. The articles.