Hey all, sorry I haven't updated in the past couple months. My job has been keeping me busy, taking me to such exotic locations as Chicago—where the beer flows like water and fanny-packs are the daily uniform. Now I'm back home from my travels, getting ready to shoot some new commercials for Foster's Beer in a few weeks. I think it's Australian for beer, or something, so keep an eye peeled for those on TV next month.

I've also started two new blogs: "How The F Did That Get There?" and "Handsome Mannequin."

I started How The F with a few of my friends out in Chicago. The idea is that anytime you see a random item on the side of the road (one sneaker, underwear, three tube socks) you always wonder how it got there and you know it has to have a story behind it. We're taking pictures of any random discarded items we see and then leaving it up to everyone else to tell the story of How The F it got there (in the comments section). Stop by and leave your story.

My second new blog, Handsome Mannequin, is a pretty simple one. I see a handsome mannequin, I take a picture of it and I post it on the blog for everyone to enjoy. That's about it. So check those out if you're bored. Hope all is well out there, I'm expecting welcome back gifts to start pouring in any day now.

Nestled away in our corner of the universe is a very special planet, a planet with a dream to shed its sulfuric acid rains and adopt the creature comforts that come with having a stable atmosphere. This planet is known simply as Venus.

Venus, named after the Roman goddess of love, is the second brightest natural object in the night sky, second only to the moon. But you don’t need a telescopic tube, or a Richard Branson flying space machine, to explore the surface of Venus, because she can be amorously ogled right here on earth, taking her clothes off for money at pretty much any nudie bar.

Of all the planets, it’s unknown why Venus is the most popularly stripped under. Mars isn’t a bad name, but I guess that’s only where men are from. How about Pluto? Naw, I suppose that conjures images of that Disney dog. Uranus? Well, that’s self-explanatory. So maybe I get it. Venus is the only planet in our solar system named after a female figure and after-all, they are both carbon-based entities hurling through space, but the parallels don't stop there.

Much like their sister planet, Earth’s Venus’ manage to thrive, despite having to exist in a volatile atmosphere. Cloaked beneath a thick layer of smoke and bad makeup, Earth’s Venus’ are sonically bombarded by the violent collisions of empty beer glasses and the deafening screeches of bad hair bands. Its known inhabitants are pervish creatures, flaccidly humping-away at the American dream, one creased dollar at a time. But it’s that dollar that keeps Venus rotating.

While Venus (the planet) rotates around the sun,
Venus (the stripper) chooses to rotate around a pole.

Human astronauts have yet to successfully land on the surface of Venus (the planet). While human men, and occasionally women, have completed countless missions to Venus (the stripper).

The planet Venus is the second planet from the sun.
The stripper Venus is often the runner-up in life.

The planet Venus has the densest atmosphere of all the terrestrial planets. The stripper Venus is usually, well, just dense.

While space men don’t know what viruses, if any, exist on the planet Venus. Earth men are quite certain a multitude of viruses exist on our stripper version.

Planet Venus is located right in the heart of our galaxy. Stripper Venus is located not too far off the interstate, probably in that seedy little bar nestled behind the Galaxy Bowl.

Hopefully this entry will help resolve at least some of the cosmic unknown that has troubled astronomers since the dawn of the 1960’s. Now scientists can once again position their telescopes not at the neighbor’s window, but up at the night sky.

And when your local strip club DJ projects into the mic: “Welcome to the stage, Venus. Venus everybody, put your hands together for Venus.” Just think about how many light years it’s taken for that name to travel. Then raise a buck as tribute to the cosmos above and all the heavenly bodies that mirror her image below.

A little while ago, it was brought to my attention that people had begun to notice my acorn domination.

I was recently forwarded this article, from CNN.com, about how scientists are baffled over a "mysterious acorn shortage." Well guess what? The mystery is over, I took all the acorns. That's right, all your acorns belong to me. Why you ask? Because, I am The Acorn King! Uh-duh. I wish I could be sympathetic about your Acorn recession, but this squirrel's gotta eat and it takes an army of acorns to fuel my kingdom. Deal with it. Dealt? Good. I'm not sure this woman is dealing with it too well, she sort of has the deer in the headlights look going on.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

You won't like the president when he's angry.