Sexxx Education  

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Submitted for your approval, I present to you a sketch of what "The Birds & The Bees" talk might sound like if both your parents were adult film stars:



Dad:
Hey, how was your day at school son?

Son:
Not good.

Mom:
Ohh, what happened honey?

Son:
I’d rather not talk about it.

Dad:
Son, now you know there’s nothing you can’t share with your parents.

Son:
It’s just, today at school we started learning about the birds and the bees.

(Both parents chuckle)

Son:
Why are you laughing at me?

Mom:
We’re laughing because sexual education should be fun.

Son:
Well it’s not.

Dad:
No, your mother is right. In fact, if it weren’t for that, your mother and I wouldn’t have met.

Son:
You met in Sex Ed class?

Dad:
No, no, no. We met during sex.

Son:
What!

Mom:
He’s right. Your father and I met on the set of a movie we were co-staring in.

Dad:
That’s right.

Mom:
What was it called again honey, “Mr. Chimps Goes To Monkey Town?”

Dad:
Um. I believe they ended up titling it, “Anal Intruders 2. The Darkening.”

Son:
Ahh, gross! You guys were porn stars?!

Dad:
I’m not sure if we quite reached “star” status, but if your basis is quantity of videos produced, then I guess you’d be justified in calling us “Kings of the Cosmos.”

(Mother and father both chuckle)

Son:
Ahh!

Mom:
Honey, sex is nothing to be ashamed of. After all, the human body is a beautiful thing.

Dad:
Especially your mother’s body.

Mom:
Plus, it’s not like we were having sex on film for money!

Son:
Well that’s a relief.

Dad:
No. We just did it for coke.

Son:
I think I’m going to be sick.

Mom:
Sick? What’s your school teaching you about the human body?

Dad:
Really. I may spew when I think about your mother’s naked body, but I’m definitely not spewing vomit if you know what I mean.

(Dad nudges son. Son sits speechless.)

Mom:
Easy Lieutenant Jackman.

Dad:
Sorry, got caught in the moment.

(Mother seductively whispers "holster it" to father)

Dad:
Since your school is doing such a poor job teaching you the birds and bees, we’re just gonna have to step in and administer a little parental guidance of our own.

Son:
Please don’t. I’m sure we just haven’t gotten to the “Spewing” chapter yet in class.

(Son tries sitting up. Mother pushes him back down in his seat.)

Mom:
Nonsense. Sit there and pay attention young man.
Rule number one: You've got to get the girl when she’s in a sexually charged setting.

Dad:
Like while she’s washing her car...

Mom:
…in a white tank top…

Dad:
…wearing cutoff jeans…

Mom:
Or, you could also pretend you’re the pool boy who desperately needs a glass of water.

Dad:
Right, but whatever it is you’re doing, you always need to ask her if she could use another hand and then that’s when the music plays.

Son:
Music? What music, have you both gone completely mad?

Dad:
Oh, I’m coo-coo alright. Coo-coo for Coco Fluff!

Mom:
Coco Fluff was my porn name.

Son:
Once again, more information than I needed.

Dad:
Son, the music is the most important part.

(Mother whispers to dad)

Mom:
The lube.

Dad:
Right. So, both the music and the lube are important. But back to the music.
Most people say "Celestial Blues" by Gary Bartz will work fine, however I like to start with a funkier bass line.

Mom:
Which is why I recommend, “Getting it on,” by Leroy Hutson. That’s our song.

(Mom and Dad lovingly gaze at each other)

Dad:
But if those don’t work for you, then you can try anything off the “Blackula” soundtrack.

Son:
Please tell me I’m adopted.

Mom:
You’re not adopted, so don’t go practicing this on your sister!

Son:
Can I be excused now?

(Son tries to sit up. Mom pushes him back down in his seat.)

Mom:
No! We haven’t covered foreplay yet.

Son:
Oh my God.

Dad:
I like to begin foreplay anywhere between, when the girl starts wondering why the meter man’s in her house, right up to where she asks if I enjoy making house calls.

Mom:
Far too many actors wait too long to begin foreplay, which leads to talking.

Dad:
I’ve always found it best not to talk much.

Son:
Until now. Lucky me.

Mom:
Your father is the best at foreplay, he starts off with a swift smack to my ass, followed by an “Oh you like that?”. Then if I seem into it, which I always am, he’ll smack my ass a little harder and say, “Oh you like that?!”. Which is pretty much like the first question, except this time he’s got his finger in my ass.

Dad:
Then I like to follow up with one final smack yelling either; “Oh you like that, baby!” Or, I’ll just ask her if she wants 30 centimeters of unpacked sausage delivered right to her door.

Mom:
Back door.

Son:
That’s it, I’m gonna go boil my ears now. Then, I’m going outside to play. I’m so sick of being the only non-twisted one in this house.

(The Son then puts his jacket on and places a rubber gag ball into his mouth. He then walks out the door.)

Mom:
Oh well, I guess I’ll just do the dishes then.

Dad:
I bet you could use another hand.

(Funky porno music plays)





Creative Commons License
All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License Do not copy.

10 Squirrels Squirreling

“Mr. Chimps Goes To Monkey Town” Hahahaha! You crack me up! :)

Fine. If you're gonna continue to be so witty and humorous, I'll just have to add ya's to my blog lists.

I came over here hoping to get info on procreation as related by birds and bees. I know how to do all the bauw-chaka-bauw-wow stuff. Oh well! Maybe next time.

I agree with Spacemonkey “Mr. Chimps Goes To Monkey Town” if Hil-freakin-arious!!

Thanks all, next time I'll just have to post an instructional video, using chimps of course. That's hawt.

If you press play on that reeder thing at the top of the post (which I found over on Kathy's blog: http://www.junkdrawerblog.com

It makes the post sound like books on tape, or NPR porn. It's the perfect cure for all those Sarah Vowell NPR fantasies.

Thank God I found you, I don't know why it took so long. Justagirl here. I haven't done porn, but I don't wear panties either. LOL.

Masterful! Nice work, I was laughing the whole time!

Heh, so how does the stork come into play in this version of things?

ACK! This could totally be one of the better SNL sketches if it didn't raise millions of dollars in FCC fines! Zowie!

I nearly wet myself, genius.....sheer genius.

I nearly wet myself, genius.....sheer genius.

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