Sexxx Education  

Submitted for your approval, I present to you a sketch of what "The Birds & The Bees" talk might sound like if both your parents were adult film stars:



Dad:
Hey, how was your day at school son?

Son:
Not good.

Mom:
Ohh, what happened honey?

Son:
I’d rather not talk about it.

Dad:
Son, now you know there’s nothing you can’t share with your parents.

Son:
It’s just, today at school we started learning about the birds and the bees.

(Both parents chuckle)

Son:
Why are you laughing at me?

Mom:
We’re laughing because sexual education should be fun.

Son:
Well it’s not.

Dad:
No, your mother is right. In fact, if it weren’t for that, your mother and I wouldn’t have met.

Son:
You met in Sex Ed class?

Dad:
No, no, no. We met during sex.

Son:
What!

Mom:
He’s right. Your father and I met on the set of a movie we were co-staring in.

Dad:
That’s right.

Mom:
What was it called again honey, “Mr. Chimps Goes To Monkey Town?”

Dad:
Um. I believe they ended up titling it, “Anal Intruders 2. The Darkening.”

Son:
Ahh, gross! You guys were porn stars?!

Dad:
I’m not sure if we quite reached “star” status, but if your basis is quantity of videos produced, then I guess you’d be justified in calling us “Kings of the Cosmos.”

(Mother and father both chuckle)

Son:
Ahh!

Mom:
Honey, sex is nothing to be ashamed of. After all, the human body is a beautiful thing.

Dad:
Especially your mother’s body.

Mom:
Plus, it’s not like we were having sex on film for money!

Son:
Well that’s a relief.

Dad:
No. We just did it for coke.

Son:
I think I’m going to be sick.

Mom:
Sick? What’s your school teaching you about the human body?

Dad:
Really. I may spew when I think about your mother’s naked body, but I’m definitely not spewing vomit if you know what I mean.

(Dad nudges son. Son sits speechless.)

Mom:
Easy Lieutenant Jackman.

Dad:
Sorry, got caught in the moment.

(Mother seductively whispers "holster it" to father)

Dad:
Since your school is doing such a poor job teaching you the birds and bees, we’re just gonna have to step in and administer a little parental guidance of our own.

Son:
Please don’t. I’m sure we just haven’t gotten to the “Spewing” chapter yet in class.

(Son tries sitting up. Mother pushes him back down in his seat.)

Mom:
Nonsense. Sit there and pay attention young man.
Rule number one: You've got to get the girl when she’s in a sexually charged setting.

Dad:
Like while she’s washing her car...

Mom:
…in a white tank top…

Dad:
…wearing cutoff jeans…

Mom:
Or, you could also pretend you’re the pool boy who desperately needs a glass of water.

Dad:
Right, but whatever it is you’re doing, you always need to ask her if she could use another hand and then that’s when the music plays.

Son:
Music? What music, have you both gone completely mad?

Dad:
Oh, I’m coo-coo alright. Coo-coo for Coco Fluff!

Mom:
Coco Fluff was my porn name.

Son:
Once again, more information than I needed.

Dad:
Son, the music is the most important part.

(Mother whispers to dad)

Mom:
The lube.

Dad:
Right. So, both the music and the lube are important. But back to the music.
Most people say "Celestial Blues" by Gary Bartz will work fine, however I like to start with a funkier bass line.

Mom:
Which is why I recommend, “Getting it on,” by Leroy Hutson. That’s our song.

(Mom and Dad lovingly gaze at each other)

Dad:
But if those don’t work for you, then you can try anything off the “Blackula” soundtrack.

Son:
Please tell me I’m adopted.

Mom:
You’re not adopted, so don’t go practicing this on your sister!

Son:
Can I be excused now?

(Son tries to sit up. Mom pushes him back down in his seat.)

Mom:
No! We haven’t covered foreplay yet.

Son:
Oh my God.

Dad:
I like to begin foreplay anywhere between, when the girl starts wondering why the meter man’s in her house, right up to where she asks if I enjoy making house calls.

Mom:
Far too many actors wait too long to begin foreplay, which leads to talking.

Dad:
I’ve always found it best not to talk much.

Son:
Until now. Lucky me.

Mom:
Your father is the best at foreplay, he starts off with a swift smack to my ass, followed by an “Oh you like that?”. Then if I seem into it, which I always am, he’ll smack my ass a little harder and say, “Oh you like that?!”. Which is pretty much like the first question, except this time he’s got his finger in my ass.

Dad:
Then I like to follow up with one final smack yelling either; “Oh you like that, baby!” Or, I’ll just ask her if she wants 30 centimeters of unpacked sausage delivered right to her door.

Mom:
Back door.

Son:
That’s it, I’m gonna go boil my ears now. Then, I’m going outside to play. I’m so sick of being the only non-twisted one in this house.

(The Son then puts his jacket on and places a rubber gag ball into his mouth. He then walks out the door.)

Mom:
Oh well, I guess I’ll just do the dishes then.

Dad:
I bet you could use another hand.

(Funky porno music plays)

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License Do not copy.