As you have probably seen, a Phillies fan was tasered by the Philadelphia police last night after running onto the field during an 8th inning break between the Phillies & Cardinals.

Hey all, sorry I haven't updated in the past couple months. My job has been keeping me busy, taking me to such exotic locations as Chicago—where the beer flows like water and fanny-packs are the daily uniform. Now I'm back home from my travels, getting ready to shoot some new commercials for Foster's Beer in a few weeks. I think it's Australian for beer, or something, so keep an eye peeled for those on TV next month.

I've also started two new blogs: "How The F Did That Get There?" and "Handsome Mannequin."

I started How The F with a few of my friends out in Chicago. The idea is that anytime you see a random item on the side of the road (one sneaker, underwear, three tube socks) you always wonder how it got there and you know it has to have a story behind it. We're taking pictures of any random discarded items we see and then leaving it up to everyone else to tell the story of How The F it got there (in the comments section). Stop by and leave your story.

My second new blog, Handsome Mannequin, is a pretty simple one. I see a handsome mannequin, I take a picture of it and I post it on the blog for everyone to enjoy. That's about it. So check those out if you're bored. Hope all is well out there, I'm expecting welcome back gifts to start pouring in any day now.

So I discovered a random online chat service a couple weeks ago, it's called Omegle and by "random," I mean random.

When you first log-on the computer pairs you up with a total stranger. You don't know their age, if they are a guy, girl, or mythical beast. You don't know where they live, or even if they like the band Toto. You don't know anything and this is where the hi-jinx ensues. Basically, whatever the first person types is what starts the conversation, so I decided to have a little fun with this. Here are the first three conversations I had on Omegle.

I WANT TO EAT SOME BABIES.


WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH $1,000?





DID YOU DO IT?

Nestled away in our corner of the universe is a very special planet, a planet with a dream to shed its sulfuric acid rains and adopt the creature comforts that come with having a stable atmosphere. This planet is known simply as Venus.

Venus, named after the Roman goddess of love, is the second brightest natural object in the night sky, second only to the moon. But you don’t need a telescopic tube, or a Richard Branson flying space machine, to explore the surface of Venus, because she can be amorously ogled right here on earth, taking her clothes off for money at pretty much any nudie bar.

Of all the planets, it’s unknown why Venus is the most popularly stripped under. Mars isn’t a bad name, but I guess that’s only where men are from. How about Pluto? Naw, I suppose that conjures images of that Disney dog. Uranus? Well, that’s self-explanatory. So maybe I get it. Venus is the only planet in our solar system named after a female figure and after-all, they are both carbon-based entities hurling through space, but the parallels don't stop there.

Much like their sister planet, Earth’s Venus’ manage to thrive, despite having to exist in a volatile atmosphere. Cloaked beneath a thick layer of smoke and bad makeup, Earth’s Venus’ are sonically bombarded by the violent collisions of empty beer glasses and the deafening screeches of bad hair bands. Its known inhabitants are pervish creatures, flaccidly humping-away at the American dream, one creased dollar at a time. But it’s that dollar that keeps Venus rotating.

While Venus (the planet) rotates around the sun,
Venus (the stripper) chooses to rotate around a pole.

Human astronauts have yet to successfully land on the surface of Venus (the planet). While human men, and occasionally women, have completed countless missions to Venus (the stripper).

The planet Venus is the second planet from the sun.
The stripper Venus is often the runner-up in life.

The planet Venus has the densest atmosphere of all the terrestrial planets. The stripper Venus is usually, well, just dense.

While space men don’t know what viruses, if any, exist on the planet Venus. Earth men are quite certain a multitude of viruses exist on our stripper version.

Planet Venus is located right in the heart of our galaxy. Stripper Venus is located not too far off the interstate, probably in that seedy little bar nestled behind the Galaxy Bowl.

Hopefully this entry will help resolve at least some of the cosmic unknown that has troubled astronomers since the dawn of the 1960’s. Now scientists can once again position their telescopes not at the neighbor’s window, but up at the night sky.

And when your local strip club DJ projects into the mic: “Welcome to the stage, Venus. Venus everybody, put your hands together for Venus.” Just think about how many light years it’s taken for that name to travel. Then raise a buck as tribute to the cosmos above and all the heavenly bodies that mirror her image below.

So my cousin from Dallas (pictured to the left, showing us where his poop comes from) recently had a prank played on him by his friend, Raja. 

Apparently Raja sent my cousin this tacky airplane keychain, pictured to the right. The keychain was packaged in a nice box, including a professional-looking form letter and an invoice for $350! It included his credit card number, address and phone number. He somehow even had it mailed from New York. When Adam called the number on the invoice he reached a pissed off dry cleaner in Manhattan. He then called his credit card company to check if the charge had gone through yet and they said that it hadn't. Raja let him stew in this one right-up until Adam was about to cancel his credit card, it was at this point that he finally fessed-up to the prank.

Adam called me looking for some ideas on how to get back at his friend, we came up with one we liked, and this is how he carried it out. 

First, he printed-up all these fliers advertising the opening of a new pizza restaurant called "Sir Pizza," advertising free 24-hour delivery and unbelievable pizza and wing deals. Of course, the number on all the fliers was that of his dear friend, Raja.

Adam then proceeded to paper a nearby college campus with these fliers — thoroughly covering all the dorms. He then posted the following genius ad on the Dallas Craigslist:

Free Pizza!

We are having our soft opening tonight and trying to work out all the kinks before our grand opening next week. So we're offering a FREE LARGE PIZZA to the first 10 customers! All I ask is:

1) You tip my driver.
2) Are within 15 miles of uptown.
3) You give me feedback.
4) If you like the pizza - tell your friends!

Not only did Raja get a ton of phone calls from hungry college kids, but my cousin also got a ton of emails from his Craigslist post. A lot of people asked for free pizza, two wanted delivery jobs, and one offered to do the advertising for the new restaurant. My cousins favorite email out of all of them though, was the one he received below.

"YOU Mutha fucker don't be putting fake numbers Bitch ass!"


By the way, the "Sir" in Sir Pizza stands for "Suck It Raja." 

Nice work, cuz.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Major League Baseball spring training has begun, but nothing has grabbed the headlines more then Alex Rodriguez, the most recent case in this troubling steroids scandal. To hopefully shed some light on the situation, I recently sat down with Victor Conte, founder and president of Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative (BALCO).

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Life in the 1980's was nothing short of radical.
Video games invaded our homes, MTV walked on the moon, and Spiderman was yet to be played by that douche Toby McGuire. Speaking of, the frightened kid you see in the photo is me. I drastically misjudged the sheer creepiness of sitting on the lap of a giant spandex spider.

During the 80's my home was made up of me, my three older sisters, my mom, and my dad who was in the Navy and often out to sea. At a very early age I had to learn how to live in a house with all girls. Four women and one bathroom, you do the math. It goes without saying that Sports Illustrated was nowhere to be found on my coffee table, while magazines like Glamour and Cosmo covered every surface. I may not have known how to hit a hanging curve, but dammit could I accentuate a cheekbone.

My youngest sister would often give me hand-me-downs (which were luckily gender neutral). Oh, I forgot to mention that my youngest sister is actually nine years older than me, making her hand-me-downs a decade out of date. Gee thanks for that pet rock sis, I'll have fun playing with it while listening to your discarded collection of David Cassidy 8-tracks!

So when Christmas came, I quickly tore into my presents, unearthing a glorious "red team" Photon set. This was my "Red Rider" BB gun. I immediately wondered which color my neighbors got, who was going to enter battle with me and my red team?

I hoped my neighbor Cathy didn't get the red kit. She was an especially whiny girl, who suffered from fallen arches and crippling allergies — weaknesses that would never fly with my elite force of futuristic assassins.

So after I went through the motions of opening the boxes of clothing and lesser toys, I strapped on my Photon helmet and chest guard on and went into the bathroom to gaze at myself in all my ass-kicking awesomeness. After I finished soaking it in, I rushed out to our neighborhood randevouz, the cul-de-sac at the end of our street.

The freaky flat footed Cathy was already there waiting at the end of the street, it was just like her to be early, didn't she know nobody liked her? As I got closer I could now see that she wasn't even holding a Photon gun, her parents got her Lazer Tag, what an idiot! I was quite relieved that I didn't have to worry anymore about her fighting on my squad.

I awkwardly waited out in the cold with Cathy for a few minutes before I saw the Toriello clan emerge from their driveway, they were joined by the Graham boys, who were in-turn followed by the Brewer twins. I really hoped the Toriello kids got red, not only were they a few years older and faster, but they also had amassed a stockpile of smoke bombs, throwing stars, blow guns, canteens, and a go-kart — plus a bunch of other supremely cool stuff that had nothing to do with laser fighting, but was still rad. The Toriello's also had an awesome tree fort which could serve as our home base.

As soon as everyone got to about 3 mailboxes away my anticipation quickly faded to horror. I could now see that the Toriello and Graham kids were carrying Lazer Tag guns too! How could this happen?

I was hopeful for a second when I didn't see the Brewer Twins holding Lazer Tag pistols, but that faded as soon as they informed me their parents didn't get them either. They instead got Freezy Freakies gloves, a Furby and a box of Garbage Pail Kid cards. Lame.

It turns out the Toriello and Graham parents went shopping together and were persuaded by the sales people to buy Lazer Tag, because it was the popular choice. As for Cathy, well this is the girl that was still eating baby food up through high school – true story.

Having totally been decimated by the widespread parental betrayal in my neighborhood, I did the only thing a now friendless kid with Photon could do. I shut myself in the bathroom, flipped off all the lights and watched my Photon helmet light-up as I repeatedly shot myself in the mirror.

The following Christmas I learned my lesson and opted to trade my Photon helmet in for a BMX helmet and bike. At least this was one sport that didn't require coordination with the rest of the neighborhood.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

If you thought whacky "lovable" sidekicks were only fodder for 80's sitcoms, think again. Sarah Palin is winking her folksy way right to the top of the cheesy sidekicks list — one "yoobetcha" at a time. So how does Sarah stack up to cheesy sidekicks of the past? Let's take a look.

Sarah "Moose Mom" Palin

Sitcom:
The U.S. Government

Role:
Possible second in command of the United States of America &
"Weapon of Mass Distraction" for John McCain.

Fast Fact:
This beauty pageant runner-up, and everyday hockey mom from Alaska, had her world turned upside down after receiving an unexpected call from John McCain asking her to be his running mate (and soulmate). Sarah accepted, quickly packing up the dog sled and heading to mainland America. 

Why does this all sound eerily similar to the plot of The Beverly Hillbillies?

Likability Rating:
4%

Balki Bartokomous

Sitcom:
Perfect Strangers

Role:
The young gentle hearted long lost cousin of Larry Appleton.

Fast Fact:
Before coming to America, Balki worked as a shepherd on the Island of Mypos. Whenever Balki is immensely pleased by something, he forces Larry to do the Dance of Joy. This consists of ridiculous leg kicks and alternating chants of "Hey," ending with Cousin Larry jumping into Balki's arms.

Likability Rating:
91%

Edwin "Skippy" Handleman

Sitcom:
Family Ties

Role:
Geeky neighbor & best buddy to Alex P. Keaton.

Fast Fact:
Skippy's most famous episode was the one where he discovered that he was adopted by his parents, he then demanded to be referred to only as "Baby Boy Doe" for the rest of the episode.

Likability Rating:
72%

Walter "Cockroach" Bradley

Sitcom:
The Cosby Show

Role:
Theo's best friend.

Fast Fact:
Theo and Cockroach once attempted to take a shortcut when studying for an exam on Shakespeare by listening to it on record. This only confused them more, teaching them that there is no shortcut for proper education — a life lesson we can all learn from.

Likability Rating:
89%

Richard Milhous "Boner" Stabone

Sitcom:
Growing Pains

Role:
Best friend to Mike Seaver.

Fast Fact:
Holds the title for stupidest name ever given to a sitcom character. Even when I was a kid I knew something was seriously wrong with this name.

Likability Rating:
66%

Kimmy Gibbler

Sitcom:
Full House

Role:
Long time friend to DJ Tanner.

Fast Fact:
The tanners always made Kimmy keep her socks on, due to her extremely stinky feet.

Likability Rating:

8%

Woody Boyd

Sitcom:
Cheers.

Role:

The lovable simple-minded bartender with small town values, who is transplanted from Hanover Indiana to the big city of Boston.

Fast Fact:
Woody replaced Ernie "Coach" Pantusso as assistant bartender at Cheers. Woody's most memorable moment came when he attempted to impress his well-to-do girlfriend (Kelly Gaines) by singing her an original song he wrote for her.

Likability Rating:
98%

Marcy "D'Arcy" Rhoades

Sitcom:
Married With Children

Role:
Kinky next door neighbor to Al and Peggy Bundy.

Fast Fact:
When she's not a rockin' the bedposts with her husband, Marcy enjoys a night out with the girls. Al's wife, Peg Bundy and Marcy like to visit male strip joints. Once Marcy lost her wedding ring down the pants of an exotic stripper named Zorro while cramming dollar bills down his briefs.

Likability Rating:
52%

Buddy Lembeck

Sitcom:
Charles in Charge

Role:
Charles dimwitted buddy, Buddy.

Fast Fact:
Later in his career, actor Willy Aames (Buddy), became a born again Christian. From 1995 to 2004, he starred in a video series and annual touring performances as the Christian superhero Bibleman, although he has since retired from the role.

Likability Rating:
78%

Larry Dallas

Sitcom:
Three's Company

Role:
Upstairs neighbor and womanizing friend to Jack Tripper.

Fast Fact:

Larry's favorite hangout was the Regal Beagle, where he would frequently lie to women about his profession in order to sleep with them.

Likability Rating:
88% (Guys)

9% (Girls)

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

I know you love your team, but if you're feeling the need to brand the propane tank on your grill with a team affiliation, then I think you could be taking it a bit too far. I'm quite sure that your grill will still sizzle your Sunday sirloin with the same savory scents no matter what the team affiliation you've branded it with. How's that for alliteration.

And I'm also quite sure that your dog will still crap on the front lawn and lick his junk just the same if it's not wearing YOUR favorite team colors. I mean, how do you even know your dog is a Bills fan? I am, but that doesn't mean that I need to push my team affiliation onto my dog. It can be a Browns, Steelers, or even a Patriots fan if it likes. Of course, if it decides to root for the Cowboys, then I'll be forced to make him sleep outside.

Now stop reading blogs and go watch todays games. Feel free to sport your team jersey, while drinking out of your team cup, wrapped up in your team blanket, but be warned — If I see your dog wearing a team sweater, I'm stripping that bitch naked.

The past couple weeks The Acorn King has logged quite a bit of miles flying around.




For my first stop on the tour, I slapped on my best flannel and headed north to Washington State. I like to think that my dad started the whole grunge scene. I mean, he was wearing flannel shirts and ripped jeans in Seattle long before it became fashionable.



I know it's a Seattle stereotype that it's always raining, but every time I've ever visited there it's been sunny. This time was no different, I landed in Seattle on a Thursday night and was greeted by clear skies. Here's a photo I took out of the airplane window prior to landing.



Not that bad a view eh? However a few hours earlier this is what I saw out my window.



After having a few beers with the monster on the wing, we rested up and set out early the next morning to a small town up north named Sequim — pronounced Skwim.



My grandparents have lived in Sequim most of their lives and I have to say...ain't no party like a Sequim party! Sequim ranks among the top retirement communities in the United States — but the party don't stop there, because each year they throw two of the worlds wildest parties.

The Lavender Festival.


And The Irrigation Festival.


It's like they say, "What happens in Sequim stays in Sequim." On our way up we stopped for breakfast and were lucky enough to be waited on by a horse obsessed waitress. This woman couldn't stop talking about her "studs." Finally after about five minutes of chatting about her horses, she takes our order and leaves to get our coffee and juice, when she returns she's holding four old photos of her horses. She tosses the photos down on the table and we proceed to enter the following conversation.



Waitress: So these are my babies, aren't they beautiful?

Acorn King: (Pretending to be interested) Oh wow, yeah those are nice horses.

Waitress: I tell ya, best company I've ever had. Better than any man.

Acorn King: (Nervous laugh)

Waitress: I'm not kidding. Tall, dark, handsome.

Acorn King: And hung like a horse, right. (nudges waitress)

I was then showered by disapproving looks from everyone within earshot, except my cousin who burst into an uncontrollable laughing fit. At least it got her to shut up about the damn horses. So we finnish our food and head back out onto the open road.

After a couple hours we arrived in Sequim, where we picked my grams up, grabbed some booze, ice and drinking cups (Dora The Explorer Dixie cups were the only kind she had).



We then took our traveling party up to the Olympic Game Farm, which is a drive-thru animal park in the Olympic Mountains. At the entrance of the park you can purchase loafs of bread to feed the animals, who obviously don't believe in the Atkins diet.

So we were now armed with booze, 20 loafs of bread and two cameras.
We entered the park and were greeted by animals great and small.






It didn't take long before our car was surrounded by hungry animals craving carb treats.



Now, I don't know if you've ever smelled a Yak, or Bison's breath, but I can best describe it as a combination of hot garbage and rotting peas. The first time one of these guys stuck their head in the car and breathed on me I seriously almost threw up. After seeing this, my cousin (who was driving) thought it'd be funny to play a game called "Stop the car by an animal, set the child lock on my window, and throw bread onto my lap." It wasn't cool.






Next we played a game called "Throw the bread slice in the bear mouth."

Nice catch!


Sometimes you make a nice grab.


Sometimes you take a slice to the face.


We hung out in Sequim for a while longer, then we took a ferry across the water to our hotel.

(Doesn't this photo look like I shot it in a bathtub, or something?)


Now we finally made it back to the hotel, where we managed to get free wireless acess after my cousin complimented the woman working the front desk on her "beautiful" long hair. The woman looked like Steve Perry, from when he was in the band Journey. Hawt.

Now it was time to kick my shoes off and enjoy a little R&R.


I'm not sure why the bedspread had these creepy moths on it, but it made me want to put the lotion in the basket.


When I woke up the next morning, guess what was on TV in Seattle?



This was one of those rare moments of awesomeness, sort of like that time I gave myself a "Dutch Oven" in Holland (true story).

So I watched a little Sleepless In Seattle, then I compensated for it by boarding another fairy and going over to the Washington State, Oklahoma game. I don't watch college football, but I knew that Washington was a huge underdog in this one.



Since I'm a college fan of the UConn Huskies (and I was at the Washington Huskies game) I was going to come to the game dressed in all my UConn gear, telling everyone that I thought the Huskies were playing a road game. Regardless, the Washington Huskies lost this one 55-14, both Washington scores happened while I was out getting drinks.
(Btw...The Connecticut Huskies won their game 45-10).

That was it for this trip! Stay tuned for an update on my latest trip to NYC.




Give a squirrel a nut :)

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License