Performance De-Hancing Drugs  

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Major League Baseball spring training has begun, but nothing has grabbed the headlines more then Alex Rodriguez, the most recent case in this troubling steroids scandal. To hopefully shed some light on the situation, I recently sat down with Victor Conte, founder and president of Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative (BALCO).




VICTOR:
Thanks for having me, Acorn King. I know over the years I've been accused of selling performance-enhancing drugs to some of Major League Baseball's top sluggers, and for that I'd like to apologize. 

ACORN KING:
Oh, well that's very big of you, Victor. Sorry, pun intended.

VICTOR:
It's ok, pun taken.

VICTOR:
You see, we at BALCO feel bad about giving baseball sluggers an unfair advantage and we'd now like to make up for it by leveling the playing field.

ACORN KING:
Great, so you'll stop selling steroids to players?

VICTOR:
Ha, ha, no.

ACORN KING:
What? But you just said you felt bad and wanted to "level the playing field?"

VICTOR:
Right, level it, not flatten it! I intend to do so by marketing our new line of performance-dehancing products to all the other players not currently "juicing."

ACORN KING:
Wait, did you say dehancing?

VICTOR:
Right, dehancing products made to counteract enhancing ones. I've totally sold shit loads of these dehancers to Major League pitchers this season.

(VICTOR PUTS ON A BASEBALL CAP WITH MIRRORS TAPED TO THE BRIM)

ACORN KING:
That's just a hat with two mirrors duct-taped to it.

VICTOR:
Yeah, I call it "The Batters Eye."

ACORN KING:
And this is what you would call a performance-dehancer?

VICTOR:
Youbetcha. And both pitchers and infielders can wear it, just flip the reflective shields down and the sun does the rest.

ACORN KING:
So it just basically blinds the batter?

VICTOR:
Woah! You say "blind," I say "dehance."

ACORN KING:
Ok. What about base runners, I mean your steroids have helped more than just sluggers. Alex Sanchez was the first player caught and he wasn't even a power hitter, he's a base stealer!

VICTOR:
Good question A.K.. Catchers, we haven't forgot about you.

(PUTS WHAT APPEARS TO BE A IRON JAWED BEAR TRAP ON THE DESK)

ACORN KING:
Ok. That looks like a bear trap.

VICTOR:
I call it "The Base Buddy." It's designed to give catchers that slight enhancement they need to dehance a potentially enhanced base stealer.

ACORN KING:
The Base Buddy?

VICTOR:
Yup. Simply bury this baby in the base path and watch it snap into action, giving catchers ample time to throw out would-be base stealers.

ACORN KING:
Very, um...interesting. Well Victor, thanks for taking the time to stop by. It sounds like you're well on your way to making a mends with Major League Baseball.

VICTOR:
Crossies. And don't forget that all BALCO dehancers are guaranteed undetectable by MLB drug tests!







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5 Squirrels Squirreling

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Acorn King: Your blog is by far the best thing on Humor-Blogs.com (how we found you) but that's not exactly difficult as that is a collection of untalented fucks boring the Earth with unreadable stories about their dog or what happened at work. This post made us laugh outloud and it was CREATIVE. It is sad that you are not more well known. Join us. Together we will rule the universe.... unless you're too busy braiding Carrot Top's hair.

Oh, and when you have a chance, send me a bear trap.

I had something witty to say, and then I read LooseCannon's comment, and it hurt my feelings, since I always write about my dog or what happened at work. Sigh. I do like The Hoff's package in the avatar, though. Like, a lot.

A.K. - You rule ! Brilliant baby.

Thanks all, glad you enjoy my stupidity.

Oh, and Loose Cannon...does "ruling the universe" mean we can blow up Endor? Those Ewok muppets are just too cuddly.

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The Acorn King is a human being living on planet Earth. He firmly believes that with hard work and dedication, he will one day grace the cover of Cat Fancy.

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