Performance De-Hancing Drugs
Posted in a-roid, acorn king, alex rodriguez, balco, baseball, bonds, comedy, humor, mlb, pork chop, sketch comedy, snl, Steroids
Major League Baseball spring training has begun, but nothing has grabbed the headlines more then Alex Rodriguez, the most recent case in this troubling steroids scandal. To hopefully shed some light on the situation, I recently sat down with Victor Conte, founder and president of Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative (BALCO).
VICTOR:
Thanks for having me, Acorn King. I know over the years I've been accused of selling performance-enhancing drugs to some of Major League Baseball's top sluggers, and for that I'd like to apologize.
Thanks for having me, Acorn King. I know over the years I've been accused of selling performance-enhancing drugs to some of Major League Baseball's top sluggers, and for that I'd like to apologize.
ACORN KING:
Oh, well that's very big of you, Victor. Sorry, pun intended.
VICTOR:
It's ok, pun taken.
VICTOR:
You see, we at BALCO feel bad about giving baseball sluggers an unfair advantage and we'd now like to make up for it by leveling the playing field.
ACORN KING:
Great, so you'll stop selling steroids to players?
VICTOR:
Ha, ha, no.
ACORN KING:
What? But you just said you felt bad and wanted to "level the playing field?"
VICTOR:
Right, level it, not flatten it! I intend to do so by marketing our new line of performance-dehancing products to all the other players not currently "juicing."
ACORN KING:
Wait, did you say dehancing?
Wait, did you say dehancing?
VICTOR:
Right, dehancing products made to counteract enhancing ones. I've totally sold shit loads of these dehancers to Major League pitchers this season.
(VICTOR PUTS ON A BASEBALL CAP WITH MIRRORS TAPED TO THE BRIM)
ACORN KING:
That's just a hat with two mirrors duct-taped to it.
VICTOR:
Yeah, I call it "The Batters Eye."
ACORN KING:
And this is what you would call a performance-dehancer?
VICTOR:
Youbetcha. And both pitchers and infielders can wear it, just flip the reflective shields down and the sun does the rest.
Youbetcha. And both pitchers and infielders can wear it, just flip the reflective shields down and the sun does the rest.
ACORN KING:
So it just basically blinds the batter?
VICTOR:
Woah! You say "blind," I say "dehance."
ACORN KING:
Ok. What about base runners, I mean your steroids have helped more than just sluggers. Alex Sanchez was the first player caught and he wasn't even a power hitter, he's a base stealer!
VICTOR:
Good question A.K.. Catchers, we haven't forgot about you.
(PUTS WHAT APPEARS TO BE A IRON JAWED BEAR TRAP ON THE DESK)
ACORN KING:
Ok. That looks like a bear trap.
VICTOR:
I call it "The Base Buddy." It's designed to give catchers that slight enhancement they need to dehance a potentially enhanced base stealer.
ACORN KING:
The Base Buddy?
VICTOR:
Yup. Simply bury this baby in the base path and watch it snap into action, giving catchers ample time to throw out would-be base stealers.
ACORN KING:
Very, um...interesting. Well Victor, thanks for taking the time to stop by. It sounds like you're well on your way to making a mends with Major League Baseball.
VICTOR:
Crossies. And don't forget that all BALCO dehancers are guaranteed undetectable by MLB drug tests!
All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License
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