Hey all, sorry I haven't updated in the past couple months. My job has been keeping me busy, taking me to such exotic locations as Chicago—where the beer flows like water and fanny-packs are the daily uniform. Now I'm back home from my travels, getting ready to shoot some new commercials for Foster's Beer in a few weeks. I think it's Australian for beer, or something, so keep an eye peeled for those on TV next month.

I've also started two new blogs: "How The F Did That Get There?" and "Handsome Mannequin."

I started How The F with a few of my friends out in Chicago. The idea is that anytime you see a random item on the side of the road (one sneaker, underwear, three tube socks) you always wonder how it got there and you know it has to have a story behind it. We're taking pictures of any random discarded items we see and then leaving it up to everyone else to tell the story of How The F it got there (in the comments section). Stop by and leave your story.

My second new blog, Handsome Mannequin, is a pretty simple one. I see a handsome mannequin, I take a picture of it and I post it on the blog for everyone to enjoy. That's about it. So check those out if you're bored. Hope all is well out there, I'm expecting welcome back gifts to start pouring in any day now.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

So I discovered a random online chat service a couple weeks ago, it's called Omegle and by "random," I mean random.

When you first log-on the computer pairs you up with a total stranger. You don't know their age, if they are a guy, girl, or mythical beast. You don't know where they live, or even if they like the band Toto. You don't know anything and this is where the hi-jinx ensues. Basically, whatever the first person types is what starts the conversation, so I decided to have a little fun with this. Here are the first three conversations I had on Omegle.

I WANT TO EAT SOME BABIES.


WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH $1,000?





DID YOU DO IT?

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Nestled away in our corner of the universe is a very special planet, a planet with a dream to shed its sulfuric acid rains and adopt the creature comforts that come with having a stable atmosphere. This planet is known simply as Venus.

Venus, named after the Roman goddess of love, is the second brightest natural object in the night sky, second only to the moon. But you don’t need a telescopic tube, or a Richard Branson flying space machine, to explore the surface of Venus, because she can be amorously ogled right here on earth, taking her clothes off for money at pretty much any nudie bar.

Of all the planets, it’s unknown why Venus is the most popularly stripped under. Mars isn’t a bad name, but I guess that’s only where men are from. How about Pluto? Naw, I suppose that conjures images of that Disney dog. Uranus? Well, that’s self-explanatory. So maybe I get it. Venus is the only planet in our solar system named after a female figure and after-all, they are both carbon-based entities hurling through space, but the parallels don't stop there.

Much like their sister planet, Earth’s Venus’ manage to thrive, despite having to exist in a volatile atmosphere. Cloaked beneath a thick layer of smoke and bad makeup, Earth’s Venus’ are sonically bombarded by the violent collisions of empty beer glasses and the deafening screeches of bad hair bands. Its known inhabitants are pervish creatures, flaccidly humping-away at the American dream, one creased dollar at a time. But it’s that dollar that keeps Venus rotating.

While Venus (the planet) rotates around the sun,
Venus (the stripper) chooses to rotate around a pole.

Human astronauts have yet to successfully land on the surface of Venus (the planet). While human men, and occasionally women, have completed countless missions to Venus (the stripper).

The planet Venus is the second planet from the sun.
The stripper Venus is often the runner-up in life.

The planet Venus has the densest atmosphere of all the terrestrial planets. The stripper Venus is usually, well, just dense.

While space men don’t know what viruses, if any, exist on the planet Venus. Earth men are quite certain a multitude of viruses exist on our stripper version.

Planet Venus is located right in the heart of our galaxy. Stripper Venus is located not too far off the interstate, probably in that seedy little bar nestled behind the Galaxy Bowl.

Hopefully this entry will help resolve at least some of the cosmic unknown that has troubled astronomers since the dawn of the 1960’s. Now scientists can once again position their telescopes not at the neighbor’s window, but up at the night sky.

And when your local strip club DJ projects into the mic: “Welcome to the stage, Venus. Venus everybody, put your hands together for Venus.” Just think about how many light years it’s taken for that name to travel. Then raise a buck as tribute to the cosmos above and all the heavenly bodies that mirror her image below.

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Today is Easter Sunday, that magical time when we remember Jesus' glorious resurrection from the dead — which we celebrate by chomping on chocolate easter bunnies and gourmet jellybeans. But I guess I do feel better about drooling down the neck of a decapitated chocolate bunny, than the torso of a chocolate Jesus. That could just be weird. So, in celebration of this miraculous of miraculous days, I would like to announce a slightly less miraculous event (yet much funnier). I (The Acorn King) will now be contributing to the pants-shittingly funny website "Are You F---ing Kidding Me." That's twice the funny, for triple the freeness! As a kick-off to this awesome event, here's a classic post from the Grand Poobah (Monkey) of RUFKM. Happy Easter!

KNEEL BEFORE ZUMBA! (by Loose Cannon of RUFKM.net)
It’s not every day you meet your hero. I did just that while having some general maintenance and repairs done on my car. This was at a store that my friend’s parent’s owned that I have known for over 20 years.

When I walked into “Firestone” (not the name of the business) the manager, Dave (the real name of the man), was sitting behind his desk wearing their standard issue red logo polo shirt. It wasn’t until he stood up that I realized I was about to meet most inspirational man on Earth. It was an amazing sight. Dave was wearing the aforementioned shirt, tucked into Zubaz Zebra Pants. Are you F—ing kidding me?

I’m not sure if you are familiar with Zebra pants and their hypnotizing power so I have included the picture above. In fact, these pants are so rare that there is hardly any documented footage or proof of theirexistence on the entire Internet. I couldn’t even find a picture of any human wearing them, just the pants. I thought they were possibly afigment of my imagination, until that fateful day.

I hadn’t seen a pair since 1988. They were very popular with the wrestling/power lifting/serial killer crowd. They were usually complemented by a ripped string tank top by someone who looked like they snorted a dozen eggs for breakfast, tanned until flames shot out of their skin, and whose veins looked like they were trying to escape their host.

Dave was a bearded 50 year old man whose health routine peaked at standing up and walking towards me.
It was the first time I had seen this item featured in the workplace or, for that matter, in any social setting. I looked around the showroom to see if there was a circus or safari theme that would explain the need for such attire but found so such evidence.

But there was Dave, standing in all his glory ready to giving me a legal contract to sign to begin repairs while wearing zig-zaggedsweat pants. While Dave stood in front of me, pen in hand, I contemplated the many possible obstacles he might face in his pursuit of wearing these trousers. In other words, interactions that could make him rethink his decision.

A. Wife
B. Both of his teenage kids
C. Owner
D. Employees
E. Customers
F. Any human that wasn’t also wearing zebra pants

Dave had made it past all these challenges. In fact, many might have given him positive reinforcement like “You look great, Honey” or “Cool pants, Dad.” This could explain how he was looking ultra confident while asking me to authorize over $500 worth of repairs. I signed and was on my way to return several days later. Maybe it was laundry day. Perhaps he had a clowning gig directly after work. Or maybe, just maybe — he was a GENIUS.

I found my answer upon my return. There Dave was again, with legs that looked like an African mammal. Two days later. That’s when it hit me. Dave had found a loophole. Every company has their own dress code/guidelines whether it’s professional dress or wearing a specified uniform. It is always very specific and lists what you CAN wear and also what you CAN’T wear. Usually the CAN’T list includes jeans, mini skirts, open toed shoes, Capri pants, etc.

NO DRESS CODES MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT ZUBAZ.
SO DAVE SHOWED UP WEARING THEM ONE DAY AND NOBODY SAID ANYTHING.
AND THEN…HE DID IT AGAIN.
AND AGAIN.

My fiance had a nightmare recently that I showed up to work wearing nothing but a T-shirt tucked into my Calvin Klein’s (she even dreams in cliches) and that I said “It’s cool, it’s casual Friday.” To me this is not a nightmare. It’s my fantasy. If it was socially acceptable and I could pull that off instead of wearing a tie, long sleeve shirt and ANY PANTS AT ALL…great. It’s hot down here in Florida.

Dave, you are my hero. You are a mastermind. When others are getting out of their pajamas to get ready for work, you are slipping into yours and heading out the door. You lead the revolution for comfort and style. Well done, sir.






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I've been working from home a lot lately, so it goes without saying, I've also been watching a lot of daytime television. And I have to say, why Maury hasn't been nominated for a Daytime Emmy yet, is totally beyond me.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License