Life in the 1980's was nothing short of radical.
Video games invaded our homes, MTV walked on the moon, and Spiderman was yet to be played by that douche Toby McGuire. Speaking of, the frightened kid you see in the photo is me. I drastically misjudged the sheer creepiness of sitting on the lap of a giant spandex spider.

During the 80's my home was made up of me, my three older sisters, my mom, and my dad who was in the Navy and often out to sea. At a very early age I had to learn how to live in a house with all girls. Four women and one bathroom, you do the math. It goes without saying that Sports Illustrated was nowhere to be found on my coffee table, while magazines like Glamour and Cosmo covered every surface. I may not have known how to hit a hanging curve, but dammit could I accentuate a cheekbone.

My youngest sister would often give me hand-me-downs (which were luckily gender neutral). Oh, I forgot to mention that my youngest sister is actually nine years older than me, making her hand-me-downs a decade out of date. Gee thanks for that pet rock sis, I'll have fun playing with it while listening to your discarded collection of David Cassidy 8-tracks!

So when Christmas came, I quickly tore into my presents, unearthing a glorious "red team" Photon set. This was my "Red Rider" BB gun. I immediately wondered which color my neighbors got, who was going to enter battle with me and my red team?

I hoped my neighbor Cathy didn't get the red kit. She was an especially whiny girl, who suffered from fallen arches and crippling allergies — weaknesses that would never fly with my elite force of futuristic assassins.

So after I went through the motions of opening the boxes of clothing and lesser toys, I strapped on my Photon helmet and chest guard on and went into the bathroom to gaze at myself in all my ass-kicking awesomeness. After I finished soaking it in, I rushed out to our neighborhood randevouz, the cul-de-sac at the end of our street.

The freaky flat footed Cathy was already there waiting at the end of the street, it was just like her to be early, didn't she know nobody liked her? As I got closer I could now see that she wasn't even holding a Photon gun, her parents got her Lazer Tag, what an idiot! I was quite relieved that I didn't have to worry anymore about her fighting on my squad.

I awkwardly waited out in the cold with Cathy for a few minutes before I saw the Toriello clan emerge from their driveway, they were joined by the Graham boys, who were in-turn followed by the Brewer twins. I really hoped the Toriello kids got red, not only were they a few years older and faster, but they also had amassed a stockpile of smoke bombs, throwing stars, blow guns, canteens, and a go-kart — plus a bunch of other supremely cool stuff that had nothing to do with laser fighting, but was still rad. The Toriello's also had an awesome tree fort which could serve as our home base.

As soon as everyone got to about 3 mailboxes away my anticipation quickly faded to horror. I could now see that the Toriello and Graham kids were carrying Lazer Tag guns too! How could this happen?

I was hopeful for a second when I didn't see the Brewer Twins holding Lazer Tag pistols, but that faded as soon as they informed me their parents didn't get them either. They instead got Freezy Freakies gloves, a Furby and a box of Garbage Pail Kid cards. Lame.

It turns out the Toriello and Graham parents went shopping together and were persuaded by the sales people to buy Lazer Tag, because it was the popular choice. As for Cathy, well this is the girl that was still eating baby food up through high school – true story.

Having totally been decimated by the widespread parental betrayal in my neighborhood, I did the only thing a now friendless kid with Photon could do. I shut myself in the bathroom, flipped off all the lights and watched my Photon helmet light-up as I repeatedly shot myself in the mirror.

The following Christmas I learned my lesson and opted to trade my Photon helmet in for a BMX helmet and bike. At least this was one sport that didn't require coordination with the rest of the neighborhood.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

If you thought whacky "lovable" sidekicks were only fodder for 80's sitcoms, think again. Sarah Palin is winking her folksy way right to the top of the cheesy sidekicks list — one "yoobetcha" at a time. So how does Sarah stack up to cheesy sidekicks of the past? Let's take a look.

Sarah "Moose Mom" Palin

Sitcom:
The U.S. Government

Role:
Possible second in command of the United States of America &
"Weapon of Mass Distraction" for John McCain.

Fast Fact:
This beauty pageant runner-up, and everyday hockey mom from Alaska, had her world turned upside down after receiving an unexpected call from John McCain asking her to be his running mate (and soulmate). Sarah accepted, quickly packing up the dog sled and heading to mainland America. 

Why does this all sound eerily similar to the plot of The Beverly Hillbillies?

Likability Rating:
4%

Balki Bartokomous

Sitcom:
Perfect Strangers

Role:
The young gentle hearted long lost cousin of Larry Appleton.

Fast Fact:
Before coming to America, Balki worked as a shepherd on the Island of Mypos. Whenever Balki is immensely pleased by something, he forces Larry to do the Dance of Joy. This consists of ridiculous leg kicks and alternating chants of "Hey," ending with Cousin Larry jumping into Balki's arms.

Likability Rating:
91%

Edwin "Skippy" Handleman

Sitcom:
Family Ties

Role:
Geeky neighbor & best buddy to Alex P. Keaton.

Fast Fact:
Skippy's most famous episode was the one where he discovered that he was adopted by his parents, he then demanded to be referred to only as "Baby Boy Doe" for the rest of the episode.

Likability Rating:
72%

Walter "Cockroach" Bradley

Sitcom:
The Cosby Show

Role:
Theo's best friend.

Fast Fact:
Theo and Cockroach once attempted to take a shortcut when studying for an exam on Shakespeare by listening to it on record. This only confused them more, teaching them that there is no shortcut for proper education — a life lesson we can all learn from.

Likability Rating:
89%

Richard Milhous "Boner" Stabone

Sitcom:
Growing Pains

Role:
Best friend to Mike Seaver.

Fast Fact:
Holds the title for stupidest name ever given to a sitcom character. Even when I was a kid I knew something was seriously wrong with this name.

Likability Rating:
66%

Kimmy Gibbler

Sitcom:
Full House

Role:
Long time friend to DJ Tanner.

Fast Fact:
The tanners always made Kimmy keep her socks on, due to her extremely stinky feet.

Likability Rating:

8%

Woody Boyd

Sitcom:
Cheers.

Role:

The lovable simple-minded bartender with small town values, who is transplanted from Hanover Indiana to the big city of Boston.

Fast Fact:
Woody replaced Ernie "Coach" Pantusso as assistant bartender at Cheers. Woody's most memorable moment came when he attempted to impress his well-to-do girlfriend (Kelly Gaines) by singing her an original song he wrote for her.

Likability Rating:
98%

Marcy "D'Arcy" Rhoades

Sitcom:
Married With Children

Role:
Kinky next door neighbor to Al and Peggy Bundy.

Fast Fact:
When she's not a rockin' the bedposts with her husband, Marcy enjoys a night out with the girls. Al's wife, Peg Bundy and Marcy like to visit male strip joints. Once Marcy lost her wedding ring down the pants of an exotic stripper named Zorro while cramming dollar bills down his briefs.

Likability Rating:
52%

Buddy Lembeck

Sitcom:
Charles in Charge

Role:
Charles dimwitted buddy, Buddy.

Fast Fact:
Later in his career, actor Willy Aames (Buddy), became a born again Christian. From 1995 to 2004, he starred in a video series and annual touring performances as the Christian superhero Bibleman, although he has since retired from the role.

Likability Rating:
78%

Larry Dallas

Sitcom:
Three's Company

Role:
Upstairs neighbor and womanizing friend to Jack Tripper.

Fast Fact:

Larry's favorite hangout was the Regal Beagle, where he would frequently lie to women about his profession in order to sleep with them.

Likability Rating:
88% (Guys)

9% (Girls)

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Just so all y'all know...