So I just checked this analytics service I use for my blog, to see which search terms are leading people to my site and I was delighted to discover that my number one search term was: "Old Woman Porn," sweet!
Now, I'm pretty sure this has got to be due to my: "That Time I Found An Old Woman's Porn Stash" post from last year. Actually I'm sure it is, because anyone arriving at this blog, hoping to catch a bifocal full of wrinkled-racks, or time-worn-taints, would be colossally disappointed.
Of course the irony of this is, by writing this post, I've now doubled my chances of disappointing those searchers stumbling upon my blog for the first time. So, as to not make this a total waste of their time, here you go. You're welcome.
So my cousin from Dallas (pictured to the left, showing us where his poop comes from) recently had a prank played on him by his friend, Raja.
Apparently Raja sent my cousin this tacky airplane keychain, pictured to the right. The keychain was packaged in a nice box, including a professional-looking form letter and an invoice for $350! It included his credit card number, address and phone number. He somehow even had it mailed from New York. When Adam called the number on the invoice he reached a pissed off dry cleaner in Manhattan. He then called his credit card company to check if the charge had gone through yet and they said that it hadn't. Raja let him stew in this one right-up until Adam was about to cancel his credit card, it was at this point that he finally fessed-up to the prank.
Adam called me looking for some ideas on how to get back at his friend, we came up with one we liked, and this is how he carried it out.
First, he printed-up all these fliers advertising the opening of a new pizza restaurant called "Sir Pizza," advertising free 24-hour delivery and unbelievable pizza and wing deals. Of course, the number on all the fliers was that of his dear friend, Raja.
Adam then proceeded to paper a nearby college campus with these fliers — thoroughly covering all the dorms. He then posted the following genius ad on the Dallas Craigslist:
Free Pizza!
We are having our soft opening tonight and trying to work out all the kinks before our grand opening next week. So we're offering a FREE LARGE PIZZA to the first 10 customers! All I ask is:
1) You tip my driver. 2) Are within 15 miles of uptown. 3) You give me feedback. 4) If you like the pizza - tell your friends!
Not only did Raja get a ton of phone calls from hungry college kids, but my cousin also got a ton of emails from his Craigslist post. A lot of people asked for free pizza, two wanted delivery jobs, and one offered to do the advertising for the new restaurant. My cousins favorite email out of all of them though, was the one he received below.
"YOU Mutha fucker don't be putting fake numbers Bitch ass!"
By the way, the "Sir" in Sir Pizza stands for "Suck It Raja."
In the spirit of the Academy Awards, I thought I'd mention one of my favorite "random acts of boredom."
There's nothing I enjoy more on a lonely evening, then clicking on pop-up banners, inviting me to discover which celebrity I resemble.
If you've never tried this, you really should, I feel everyone deserves the false hope of believing they have a famous face.
Just upload a recent photo of yourself and the high-tech celebrity face recognition technology does the rest. It's completely scientific and totally approved by NASA.
I've done this thing a few times and apparently I resemble a shit-ton of female celebrities, which is great, because now I totally have an "in" should I happen to cross paths with Meryl Streep!
Here are the results from my last celebrity matching,
Major League Baseball spring training has begun, but nothing has grabbed the headlines more then Alex Rodriguez, the most recent case in this troubling steroids scandal. To hopefully shed some light on the situation, I recently sat down with Victor Conte, founder and president of Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative (BALCO).
VICTOR: Thanks for having me, Acorn King. I know over the years I've been accused of selling performance-enhancing drugs to some of Major League Baseball's top sluggers, and for that I'd like to apologize.
ACORN KING: Oh, well that's very big of you, Victor. Sorry, pun intended.
VICTOR: It's ok, pun taken.
VICTOR: You see, we at BALCO feel bad about giving baseball sluggers an unfair advantage and we'd now like to make up for it by leveling the playing field.
ACORN KING: Great, so you'll stop selling steroids to players?
VICTOR: Ha, ha, no.
ACORN KING: What? But you just said you felt bad and wanted to "level the playing field?"
VICTOR: Right, level it, not flatten it! I intend to do so by marketing our new line of performance-dehancing products to all the other players not currently "juicing."
ACORN KING: Wait, did you say dehancing?
VICTOR: Right, dehancing products made to counteract enhancing ones. I've totally sold shit loads of these dehancers to Major League pitchers this season.
(VICTOR PUTS ON A BASEBALL CAP WITH MIRRORS TAPED TO THE BRIM)
ACORN KING: That's just a hat with two mirrors duct-taped to it.
VICTOR: Yeah, I call it "The Batters Eye."
ACORN KING: And this is what you would call a performance-dehancer?
VICTOR: Youbetcha. And both pitchers and infielders can wear it, just flip the reflective shields down and the sun does the rest.
ACORN KING: So it just basically blinds the batter?
VICTOR: Woah! You say "blind," I say "dehance."
ACORN KING: Ok. What about base runners, I mean your steroids have helped more than just sluggers. Alex Sanchez was the first player caught and he wasn't even a power hitter, he's a base stealer!
VICTOR: Good question A.K.. Catchers, we haven't forgot about you.
(PUTS WHAT APPEARS TO BE A IRON JAWED BEAR TRAP ON THE DESK)
ACORN KING: Ok. That looks like a bear trap.
VICTOR: I call it "The Base Buddy." It's designed to give catchers that slight enhancement they need to dehance a potentially enhanced base stealer.
ACORN KING: The Base Buddy?
VICTOR: Yup. Simply bury this baby in the base path and watch it snap into action, giving catchers ample time to throw out would-be base stealers.
ACORN KING: Very, um...interesting. Well Victor, thanks for taking the time to stop by. It sounds like you're well on your way to making a mends with Major League Baseball.
VICTOR: Crossies. And don't forget that all BALCO dehancers are guaranteed undetectable by MLB drug tests!
Super Bowl XLIII (43 for the roman numeral impaired), has come and gone, but the advertising aftertaste still lingers. In my opinion, there were a lot of average commercials during this Super Bowl (and I think this is usually the case), so I'm leaving all the grade "C" ads out of this post and am only focusing on the opposite ends of the spectrum, the "good" and the "ugly."
The spots this year went for a reported 3 million dollars a :30 spot, then add to that the cost to produce each spot and you're looking at 3.5-4 million dollars a commercial! It's hard to fathom that in these financially strapped times, businesses like Go Daddy could piss away 6-7 million dollars on shitty Super Bowl commercials. WTF?! I think this might be a good segue into the spots, I'll start with the ugly first.
THE UGLY.
Doritos, "Crystal Ball"
First off, the casting of the main actor in this spot was awful. Second, a nut-shot joke as your big payoff? Really? What is this, a Bud Light spot? Grade: D
Doritos, "Magic Chip"
Oh, he bites the chip and the girl's clothes came off, HA! Oh, he bites a chip and the ATM spit money out, AWESOME! Oh, he bites a chip and turned a cop into a monkey, RADICAL! Oh, he walks out in front of a bus and bites it!!! No, the douche lived. Shit. If only I could bite into a chip and make this ad disappear, just like the 7 million Doritos ate on advertising. Grade: D-
GoDaddy.com, "Shower"
This is one of those commercials that had me saying "what just happened?" These ads make me wonder if this company is run by horny 12 yr old boys, or is that just their target market? This commercial is proof that sex doesn't always sell. Hey, I have a domain name I'd like to register with you: YouHornyLittlePricksJustPissedAwaySevenMillionDollars.com. Grade: F
GoDaddy.com, "Enhanced"
Just when I thought Go Daddy couldn't make a worse ad then the last one, they out-suck themselves. This isn't just one of the worst Super Bowl spots I've ever seen, this is one of the worst commercials I have ever seen, late-night infomercials included. I'm sure GoDaddy could be doing something better with all the money they wasted on bad spots. To top it all off, they do their advertising in-house — so no blaming the ad agency on this one bros! Grade: F
Budweiser, "Fetch"
I get it, Clydesdale horses. Beer. Horses. Honor. Beer. Horse. Horse. Drunk. Beastiality. Grade: D
Budweiser, "Circus"
"I didn't know Daisy was dating." Ha, ha, ha, ha, barf. I hear the glue factory calling. Grade: D-
Budweiser, "Generation"
Oh look, the horse tried to pull people in the cart, but is so big the people are lifted off the ground...ha, ha, ha! Bang! Your horse ancestors are saddened by this advertisement. Grade: D-
Gatoraid, "Talking Heads"
With Gatoraid, I expect "cooler" commercials than this. This time they set the bar high and then limboed right under it, using an old first-thought concept of "talking heads." Oh, but some of the talking heads are really obscure, and if you know who they are, then you are very coooool. Not so much. Even the name, "The G," is lame. It's like they were trying to be so cool, that it really just made this spot lame. Grade: D-
Bud Light Drinkability, "Ski Slope"
These spots should be about "suckability," for the next spot can you please draw a gag in the mouth of the spokesperson? Grade: D+
SoBe Lifewater, "Lizard Lake"
What do you do when you're in advertising, not creative, and can't come up with a single original idea? You do a spot with a talking, or dancing animal, or in this case lizard. But the ad wizards behind this campaign was so unoriginal that they copied the exact same bad idea from the year before, but made it look extra awkward by adding rhythmless football players. But hey don't worry, they put it in 3-D, so it would suck on an extra dimension. However, Ray Lewis does sort of look like a lizard. Grade: D-
Overstock.com, "Carlos Boozer"
Oh look, it's Carlos Boozer, he's a household name! (I truly hope you can read all the sarcasm in this.) Ok, this spot is bad on so many levels, but if there is one thing I would want the ad wizards to take away from this, it would be: Never use the phrase "bling-bling" again. It died many years ago after too many old white people said it during dinner parties. Grade: D-
THE GOOD.
E*Trade, "Singing Baby"
I gotta say, I'm not a fan of talking babies, but these spots are done really well. My favorite is still the one with the creepy clown, but this one was pretty good too. Love how the baby keeps trying to break into song. Grade: B+
Cheetos, "Pigeons"
I like the other Cheetos spot that is running now a bit better then this one (the one that takes place at a kids soccer game), but this one's not bad. Overall, I'm a big fan of the new bluesy Chester Cheetah mascot. I like the attitude. "Give daddy a kiss." Grade: B
Monster.com, "Moose Head"
When looking at a trophy head on a wall, I've actually always wondered what the other side of the wall might look like if the rest of the animal were still attached, this commercial answered that. Nice job Monster, and thank you for refraining from what could have been an easy poop joke at the end of this spot, Bud Light could learn from your restraint. Grade: B+
CareerBuilder.com, "Tips"
Dude, awesome. This was my favorite spot of the night, punching the Koala and having it spill coffee was brilliant. Muah! I would have given this spot an A+, but I thought they could have come up with a slightly funnier vignette then the speedo toenail clipping guy. Very nice work. "It's gold." Grade: A
Coke Zero, "Troy Polamalu"
Thought this spot was a smart take on the classic Mean Joe Green spot, especially since Pittsburgh players were featured in both, I also thought ripping off the Coke Zero spokesperson's shirt and tossing it to the kid was a clever twist in this updated version. Grade: B
Hulu.com, "Alec Baldwin"
Yes, this was basically a commercial for 30 Rock, but I love that show, so it works. I also like that Hulu didn't take their tagline too serious at the end, going with the line: "Hulu, an evil plot to destroy the world, enjoy." Props. Grade: B+
Pepsi, "Pepsuber"
Love the MacGruber SNL sketches, thought this one was pretty funny, but the camera work in it was a little too shaky (a bit distracting), and I thought the dialogue could have been a bit funnier, but nice work on actually getting Richard Dean Anderson for the spot, Canada is smiling. Grade: B-
Sometimes when I'm at work and don't want to be at work, I pull a Ferris Bueller and go enjoy the day. Somehow my co-workers never seem to notice.
Who would have thought I'd get so much use out of that Mexican wrestling mask I bought. Written in the notebook the dummy is holding was a list of possible wrestling names for himself. He ended up choosing "The Tijuana Tickler."
No, this isn't a blog post about the sexual exploits of plushy mascots on ice. So if you're into that, I apologize. Maybe next time.
I was tagged by the blog Father Muskrat to post a blog about seven random acts by whores, but since he changed the assignment he was given, I decided to do the same. I now present to you: Three embarrassing sex stories which actually happened to my friends. (I have changed all their names to protect the not so innocent.)
1. "You, Me, and The Virgin Makes Three."
So back in college I lived in a huge house with about 9 roommates. One of our friends was a freshman named "Matt." One day Matt sat down with me and my roommate "Carl" to get our upperclassman advice. He had a huge crush on a friend of his, a freshman girl named "Samantha," but he feared he might be venturing too far into the "friend zone" with her. This is when Carl chimed in with his sage advice and the conversation went something like this.
Carl: I wouldn't even worry if she was interested in you as more than a friend, you're a really good guy, and what you should worry about is if she's a good girl.
Matt: How do I tell that?
Carl: Well, I'd say if she'll sleep with me, then she's not a good girl.
Matt: What?
Carl: This is how it's going to go down — we're having a party tonight and I'm going to hit on this girl. If I can manage to get her to sleep with me tonight then she's not a good girl for you.
Now Matt was a little upset by Carl's social experiment, but I found it hard to fault his logic. So later that night we had a huge house party and sure enough, Samantha and Carl broke-off and headed upstairs to his room, emerging a little while later. Matt walked up to Carl and said: "Please tell me you didn't just do what I think you did?" Carl put his arm around Matt and said: "Matt, she's not a good girl at all, in fact she's very bad."
Matt was understandably crushed and later that night he got really wasted and somehow ended-up in a threesome with our roommate "Pete" and another "bad girl." Matt later told me that he was a virgin before that encounter. Matt went on to tell me that he only lasted about 30 seconds during the act and after he prematurely finished he didn't know what to do with himself, so he just sat uncomfortably across from them the rest of the time. I found out that Pete had to stop halfway through and just tell Matt he'd meet him downstairs when they were done. I still feel bad for the poor kid, it was either one of the coolest ways to lose your virginity, or one of the worst.
2. "The Longest Walk of Shame." One year in college a few of us went to a Halloween party. I was a ninja, "Ed" was a pirate, and "Chris" was a Cow. Admittedly the pirate and ninja costumes sort of sucked, they were half-ass thrown together caricatures of what a pirate, or ninja might wear if they shopped at the dollar store. Chris however went all out with his cow costume, he'd purchased an entire cow suit, complete with rubber utters and a large dangling copper cowbell. He even painted his face in a black and white calico pattern. As luck would have it, he met a girl at the party dressed as a farmers daughter and they ended up hitting it off. At the end of the night she took him back to her dorm to milk his utters. (Sorry, that one was too easy.)
Chris ended up passing out that night and woke up at 8:55 the next morning. It appeared that Chris would now have to do the "walk of shame" across campus in broad daylight, while wearing a cow costume, but it got even worse.
Just as the morning hangover fog started to clear in his head, he felt an extreme wave of terror crash on him. He realized it was Friday and he had a 9am english lit exam. He said a quick goodbye to the farmers daughter and sprinted across campus dressed head-to-toe in a ridiculous cow costume. To add to his humiliation, the cowbell connected to his costume clinked and clanked with each stride to his classroom. He arrived at class just as they were passing the exams out, luckily the teacher was nice enough to feel his pain and let him take a makeup exam the next week, but for him the damage was already done.
3. "Numb Love"
So in college my friend "Barry" started hooking up with this one girl on a regular basis, but every time they had sex, he had a serious problem with his stamina. These 60 second bouts were really becoming an embarrassing problem for him and he didn't know what to do about it, until one day he found an ad in the back of an adult magazine advertising a topical numbing spray called Stud 100®. A couple weeks later the spray arrived in the mail and he was excited to test it out. So he called the girl over and as things started to progress Barry excused himself and went to the bathroom to apply the spray. He read all instructions on the box which included this:
"STUD 100® is easy to use and works quickly. It’s a mild anesthetic, sprayed on to the penis 5 to 15 minutes before intercourse."
So he gave himself a few sprits and went back into the bedroom, confident. He knew he had some time to kill so they started into foreplay. They weren't a minute into it before she went down on him, he thought he was in the clear because it wasn't "intercourse." Well she came up a short time later saying: "My mouf is mumb I fink umthing is wong wif it." And that's when he had to fess up to her. I think it's safe to say that he now has a new definition of the word "intercourse."
I think this forward needs to be passed along to a lady, so I will now forward this meme to the blog Bridget Jones Has Nothing On Me. Since we changed the rules, you can too. Past topics were: "List seven random things." "List seven whores a whoring." "List three embarrassing sex stories."
This is the first in a comic series I'm working on with the nut-tastic (that sounded perverse) illustrator Tamara Starr. The series is titled "Malefactor."
Malefactor \ˈma-lə-fak-tər\ 1: One who commits an offense against the law ; especially : felon. 2: One who does ill toward another.
Sometimes when I'm bored I like to dress beer bottles up like people and pose them in random scenarios.
In this picture, two sober O'Douls bottles coerce a drunken St. Pauli Girl to strip her label off. Budweiser lies passed out on the couch in the background.
My friend Colleen and I made this particular masterpiece back in the winter of 2000. I like to call it:"Enjoy Irresponsibly."
The Acorn King is a human being living on planet Earth. He firmly believes that with hard work and dedication, he will one day grace the cover of Cat Fancy.
So I just checked this analytics service I use for my blog, to see which search terms are leading people to my site and I was delighted to discover that my number one search term was: "Old Woman Porn," sweet!
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