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No, this isn't a blog post about the sexual exploits of plushy mascots on ice. So if you're into that, I apologize. Maybe next time.
I was tagged by the blog Father Muskrat to post a blog about seven random acts by whores, but since he changed the assignment he was given, I decided to do the same. I now present to you: Three embarrassing sex stories which actually happened to my friends. (I have changed all their names to protect the not so innocent.)
1. "You, Me, and The Virgin Makes Three."
So back in college I lived in a huge house with about 9 roommates. One of our friends was a freshman named "Matt." One day Matt sat down with me and my roommate "Carl" to get our upperclassman advice. He had a huge crush on a friend of his, a freshman girl named "Samantha," but he feared he might be venturing too far into the "friend zone" with her. This is when Carl chimed in with his sage advice and the conversation went something like this.
Carl: I wouldn't even worry if she was interested in you as more than a friend, you're a really good guy, and what you should worry about is if she's a good girl.
Matt: How do I tell that?
Carl: Well, I'd say if she'll sleep with me, then she's not a good girl.
Matt: What?
Carl: This is how it's going to go down — we're having a party tonight and I'm going to hit on this girl. If I can manage to get her to sleep with me tonight then she's not a good girl for you.
Now Matt was a little upset by Carl's social experiment, but I found it hard to fault his logic. So later that night we had a huge house party and sure enough, Samantha and Carl broke-off and headed upstairs to his room, emerging a little while later. Matt walked up to Carl and said: "Please tell me you didn't just do what I think you did?" Carl put his arm around Matt and said: "Matt, she's not a good girl at all, in fact she's very bad."
Matt was understandably crushed and later that night he got really wasted and somehow ended-up in a threesome with our roommate "Pete" and another "bad girl." Matt later told me that he was a virgin before that encounter. Matt went on to tell me that he only lasted about 30 seconds during the act and after he prematurely finished he didn't know what to do with himself, so he just sat uncomfortably across from them the rest of the time. I found out that Pete had to stop halfway through and just tell Matt he'd meet him downstairs when they were done. I still feel bad for the poor kid, it was either one of the coolest ways to lose your virginity, or one of the worst.
2. "The Longest Walk of Shame."
One year in college a few of us went to a Halloween party. I was a ninja, "Ed" was a pirate, and "Chris" was a Cow. Admittedly the pirate and ninja costumes sort of sucked, they were half-ass thrown together caricatures of what a pirate, or ninja might wear if they shopped at the dollar store. Chris however went all out with his cow costume, he'd purchased an entire cow suit, complete with rubber utters and a large dangling copper cowbell. He even painted his face in a black and white calico pattern. As luck would have it, he met a girl at the party dressed as a farmers daughter and they ended up hitting it off. At the end of the night she took him back to her dorm to milk his utters. (Sorry, that one was too easy.)
Chris ended up passing out that night and woke up at 8:55 the next morning. It appeared that Chris would now have to do the "walk of shame" across campus in broad daylight, while wearing a cow costume, but it got even worse.
Just as the morning hangover fog started to clear in his head, he felt an extreme wave of terror crash on him. He realized it was Friday and he had a 9am english lit exam. He said a quick goodbye to the farmers daughter and sprinted across campus dressed head-to-toe in a ridiculous cow costume. To add to his humiliation, the cowbell connected to his costume clinked and clanked with each stride to his classroom. He arrived at class just as they were passing the exams out, luckily the teacher was nice enough to feel his pain and let him take a makeup exam the next week, but for him the damage was already done.
3. "Numb Love"
So in college my friend "Barry" started hooking up with this one girl on a regular basis, but every time they had sex, he had a serious problem with his stamina. These 60 second bouts were really becoming an embarrassing problem for him and he didn't know what to do about it, until one day he found an ad in the back of an adult magazine advertising a topical numbing spray called Stud 100®. A couple weeks later the spray arrived in the mail and he was excited to test it out. So he called the girl over and as things started to progress Barry excused himself and went to the bathroom to apply the spray. He read all instructions on the box which included this:
"STUD 100® is easy to use and works quickly. It’s a mild anesthetic, sprayed on to the penis 5 to 15 minutes before intercourse."
So he gave himself a few sprits and went back into the bedroom, confident. He knew he had some time to kill so they started into foreplay. They weren't a minute into it before she went down on him, he thought he was in the clear because it wasn't "intercourse." Well she came up a short time later saying: "My mouf is mumb I fink umthing is wong wif it." And that's when he had to fess up to her. I think it's safe to say that he now has a new definition of the word "intercourse."
I think this forward needs to be passed along to a lady, so I will now forward this meme to the blog Bridget Jones Has Nothing On Me. Since we changed the rules, you can too. Past topics were: "List seven random things." "List seven whores a whoring." "List three embarrassing sex stories."
All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License
One year in college a few of us went to a Halloween party. I was a ninja, "Ed" was a pirate, and "Chris" was a Cow. Admittedly the pirate and ninja costumes sort of sucked, they were half-ass thrown together caricatures of what a pirate, or ninja might wear if they shopped at the dollar store. Chris however went all out with his cow costume, he'd purchased an entire cow suit, complete with rubber utters and a large dangling copper cowbell. He even painted his face in a black and white calico pattern. As luck would have it, he met a girl at the party dressed as a farmers daughter and they ended up hitting it off. At the end of the night she took him back to her dorm to milk his utters. (Sorry, that one was too easy.)
So in college my friend "Barry" started hooking up with this one girl on a regular basis, but every time they had sex, he had a serious problem with his stamina. These 60 second bouts were really becoming an embarrassing problem for him and he didn't know what to do about it, until one day he found an ad in the back of an adult magazine advertising a topical numbing spray called Stud 100®. A couple weeks later the spray arrived in the mail and he was excited to test it out. So he called the girl over and as things started to progress Barry excused himself and went to the bathroom to apply the spray. He read all instructions on the box which included this:
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