I know you love your team, but if you're feeling the need to brand the propane tank on your grill with a team affiliation, then I think you could be taking it a bit too far. I'm quite sure that your grill will still sizzle your Sunday sirloin with the same savory scents no matter what the team affiliation you've branded it with. How's that for alliteration.

And I'm also quite sure that your dog will still crap on the front lawn and lick his junk just the same if it's not wearing YOUR favorite team colors. I mean, how do you even know your dog is a Bills fan? I am, but that doesn't mean that I need to push my team affiliation onto my dog. It can be a Browns, Steelers, or even a Patriots fan if it likes. Of course, if it decides to root for the Cowboys, then I'll be forced to make him sleep outside.

Now stop reading blogs and go watch todays games. Feel free to sport your team jersey, while drinking out of your team cup, wrapped up in your team blanket, but be warned — If I see your dog wearing a team sweater, I'm stripping that bitch naked.

The past couple weeks The Acorn King has logged quite a bit of miles flying around.




For my first stop on the tour, I slapped on my best flannel and headed north to Washington State. I like to think that my dad started the whole grunge scene. I mean, he was wearing flannel shirts and ripped jeans in Seattle long before it became fashionable.



I know it's a Seattle stereotype that it's always raining, but every time I've ever visited there it's been sunny. This time was no different, I landed in Seattle on a Thursday night and was greeted by clear skies. Here's a photo I took out of the airplane window prior to landing.



Not that bad a view eh? However a few hours earlier this is what I saw out my window.



After having a few beers with the monster on the wing, we rested up and set out early the next morning to a small town up north named Sequim — pronounced Skwim.



My grandparents have lived in Sequim most of their lives and I have to say...ain't no party like a Sequim party! Sequim ranks among the top retirement communities in the United States — but the party don't stop there, because each year they throw two of the worlds wildest parties.

The Lavender Festival.


And The Irrigation Festival.


It's like they say, "What happens in Sequim stays in Sequim." On our way up we stopped for breakfast and were lucky enough to be waited on by a horse obsessed waitress. This woman couldn't stop talking about her "studs." Finally after about five minutes of chatting about her horses, she takes our order and leaves to get our coffee and juice, when she returns she's holding four old photos of her horses. She tosses the photos down on the table and we proceed to enter the following conversation.



Waitress: So these are my babies, aren't they beautiful?

Acorn King: (Pretending to be interested) Oh wow, yeah those are nice horses.

Waitress: I tell ya, best company I've ever had. Better than any man.

Acorn King: (Nervous laugh)

Waitress: I'm not kidding. Tall, dark, handsome.

Acorn King: And hung like a horse, right. (nudges waitress)

I was then showered by disapproving looks from everyone within earshot, except my cousin who burst into an uncontrollable laughing fit. At least it got her to shut up about the damn horses. So we finnish our food and head back out onto the open road.

After a couple hours we arrived in Sequim, where we picked my grams up, grabbed some booze, ice and drinking cups (Dora The Explorer Dixie cups were the only kind she had).



We then took our traveling party up to the Olympic Game Farm, which is a drive-thru animal park in the Olympic Mountains. At the entrance of the park you can purchase loafs of bread to feed the animals, who obviously don't believe in the Atkins diet.

So we were now armed with booze, 20 loafs of bread and two cameras.
We entered the park and were greeted by animals great and small.






It didn't take long before our car was surrounded by hungry animals craving carb treats.



Now, I don't know if you've ever smelled a Yak, or Bison's breath, but I can best describe it as a combination of hot garbage and rotting peas. The first time one of these guys stuck their head in the car and breathed on me I seriously almost threw up. After seeing this, my cousin (who was driving) thought it'd be funny to play a game called "Stop the car by an animal, set the child lock on my window, and throw bread onto my lap." It wasn't cool.






Next we played a game called "Throw the bread slice in the bear mouth."

Nice catch!


Sometimes you make a nice grab.


Sometimes you take a slice to the face.


We hung out in Sequim for a while longer, then we took a ferry across the water to our hotel.

(Doesn't this photo look like I shot it in a bathtub, or something?)


Now we finally made it back to the hotel, where we managed to get free wireless acess after my cousin complimented the woman working the front desk on her "beautiful" long hair. The woman looked like Steve Perry, from when he was in the band Journey. Hawt.

Now it was time to kick my shoes off and enjoy a little R&R.


I'm not sure why the bedspread had these creepy moths on it, but it made me want to put the lotion in the basket.


When I woke up the next morning, guess what was on TV in Seattle?



This was one of those rare moments of awesomeness, sort of like that time I gave myself a "Dutch Oven" in Holland (true story).

So I watched a little Sleepless In Seattle, then I compensated for it by boarding another fairy and going over to the Washington State, Oklahoma game. I don't watch college football, but I knew that Washington was a huge underdog in this one.



Since I'm a college fan of the UConn Huskies (and I was at the Washington Huskies game) I was going to come to the game dressed in all my UConn gear, telling everyone that I thought the Huskies were playing a road game. Regardless, the Washington Huskies lost this one 55-14, both Washington scores happened while I was out getting drinks.
(Btw...The Connecticut Huskies won their game 45-10).

That was it for this trip! Stay tuned for an update on my latest trip to NYC.




Give a squirrel a nut :)

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Ok, for my first post I’m going to babble on about the 2005 MLB All Star game ads, because I know everyone gives a shit.
Fox kicked off the drama last night in typical Fox fashion, with an over produced pre-game show. Ah, nothing squelches the drama of a live sporting event like a drawn out pre-game. This time Fox really outdid its self, with its debut of a cross-promotional ad likening this years All Stars to The Fantastic 4 — narrated by Michael Chiklis (The scary milk dud lookin' detective from The Shield). Wow, now that you mention it David Eckstein does remind me of The Human Torch, flame on! Man, Fox is so wicked cool!!! (overt sarcasm detected)

Yes! And finally in the cross promotion we’ve been waiting our lives for. Ameriquest teams up with The Rolling Stones! An Ameriquest spokesman gets bounced around by a crowd of fans in front of the stage at a Stones Concert. It’s as if ‘Jumpin’ Jack Flash’ were written just for Ameriquest. Gawd crowd surfing is so hip these days.

My Worst of The Worst award goes to the Blockbuster Video commercials. Blockbuster launched its mail-in dvd program with talking idiots speaking to the camera and saying absolutely nothing. Makes you not wonder why Netflix doesn’t need to advertise. I heart you Netflix (single tear).

And this season’s clean-up hitter in this crop of crap (how's that for alliteration) is Taco Bell. Go back to the fucking dog, because the “Good-to-Go” geek ain’t cutin’ it. Does anyone actually write these ads, or are they just pooped directly from the Chihuahua’s rectum? Think outside the Bun? Seriously? Can we as Americans make a collective agreement to throw the phrase “Think outside the box” and any variation of it into an airtight and highly implosive box, which may or may not contain the phrases: “Bling-Bling”, “You go girl”, “Diva”, and the singing career of one Ashley Simpson. Please? For me?

And what would a baseball game on Fox be, without promos for it’s upcoming shows. Some girl solves old crimes by dusting off dead peoples skeletons, in this season’s crime thriller “Bones”! Followed by a death confirming report on Michael Rappaport’s acting career, after seeing a preview for his quirky new sitcom “The War at Home”. In this weeks preview we see him cringe as his white daughter brings home a black boyfriend; who goes by the moniker ‘Tee’, hilarity ensues as we are told that ‘Tee’ is really short for ‘Booty’. Oh, snap! I think I hear one lone white guy in Long Island TIVOing this for the season. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge Rappaport fan, but I wonder if this show is going to kill his career, or if it was already prematurely shortened after smoking all those skunky Spike Lee joints?

And when we finally got back to the game (I almost forgot I tuned in to watch a game of baseball) we were greated by an animated talking baseball named 'Scooter' who enlightened us big kids to the subtle nuances of the game of baseball...like what a fastball is. Seriously? How could I ever be expected to follow the fine game of baseball without the aid of a sissy child-like talking baseball? Without you Scooter I would never know what a fastball was. I eagerly anticipate seeing you again this weekend as the Yankees take on the Red Sox. Until then, happy trails buddy.

By the way — a baseball game was played and the American League was triumphant, winning 7-5. And the natives rejoice.

Additional rants:

During next years Baseball Home Run Derby, can we have less of the owners un-athletic kids shagging balls in the outfield? It’s sad to see 35 talentless little-shits scamper under a fly ball, over run it, fall down in unison, then fight the other kids for the ball. Tony Emenski is sickened by you. Buy his video. *Endorsed by Fred McGriff.

Did anyone see the interview in the dugout with Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle? I’m honestly not sure what language he was speaking. Hmm…talk like he have bunny poo-poo marbles in his mouf. Seriously, I know you were drafted out of Junior College and all, but the english language isn't that difficult to master. Hooked on Phonics worked for me.