As I survey the eggs smashed along the sidewalks of my neighborhood I shed a tear and pour a little batter out for all those eggs that never reached their potential of being an omelet in my belly. Poor-poor eggs. Another Halloween is in the bag and this one was just as stressful as the rest. Why is it that the older we get the more stressful this holiday gets?

What are you gonna be this year? Are you going to dress-up at work? Is anyone else going to dress-up? I don’t want to be the only one dressed up. Who’s having a party? Is there a theme? How much am I going to have to spend on a costume I’m only going to wear for a couple hours? Can I find something cheap at the thrift store? Why does all this thrift store crap smell like dust and urine? Why does it cost as much as something I’d actually buy in a real store? Is it going to be too cold to wear this out? Is this going to be too hot to wear all night? Can I get drunk in it? Is it original enough, or is someone else going to be dressed like me? I better get some good candy out of this.

Halloween shouldn’t be stressful, but it gets that way. Long lines at costume stores don’t help up the fun-factor either, especially the ones in the city. Lines were stretching around the block this weekend, as if people were waiting to get into a cool club. There were even two ‘bouncers’ regulating the amount of people going in and out. Who do I have to know to buy a fake moustache in this town?!

Then we have the ‘Best Costume Contest’!!! Is it just me, or does the person that always wins have to be the one dressed in the biggest most elaborately uncomfortable costume? Next year I’ll win by dressing as a fully-matured oak tree, complete with tree house, nesting birds, and tire swing - all while being covered in poison sumac. Booya.

BTW (cool chat abbreviation)…when did ‘Slut’ become the official costume for girls across the U.S. (cool country abbreviation)? Slutty maid, slutty nurse, slutty angel, slutty devil, slutty librarian, slutty flight attendant, slutty popular children’s cartoon character. Hmm, maybe next year try turning the tables by dressing as a conservative hooker. But at least you dress like something. My main beef is with the 2 cool for school kids (usually teens that are way past their Halloween prime) that think they can get my candy by not dressing-up at all. Just because you slap bunny ears on your head doesn’t make me think you’re a bunny. You’re still dressed in your street clothes kid! I want to be fooled when I open that door. I want to think to myself…did I really just give candy to a talking bunny holding a bag? Crazy bunnies these days. Crazy, crazy bunnies.

In my neighborhood the Fourth of July is a magical time. A time too good to be celebrated on just one day. This is a time when our nations birthday must and I stress MUST be milked far past the limits of good taste. At least this is the zeitgeist of all who dwell in the apartments adjacent to my Clinton Hill Brooklyn apartment.
They kick the 4th off with a celebration so annoyingly loud, it couldn't be enjoyed on just the 4th. Nope, our pyrotechnics extravaganza is instead celebrated on the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, and the10th of July. And on the 9th day they rest, because their $50 stockpile of Chinatown bottle rockets runnith low.

Is this the ghetto Hanukkah I wonder to myself? Eight crazy nights? I’m not sure about all that, however it is a “Festival of Lights” but only part of the time, because most of the fireworks are being shot off in the afternoon! What-the-fun is that? Fireworks are for nighttime enjoyment! How else are you supposed to see the oxidizer mix with the ambient air to supply a brilliant glowing reaction? C’mon peeps!!!

So I thought I’d be Mr. Funny Man and buy a megaphone to project my own comedic play-by-play out my window at the people shooting off the fireworks (and the noisy patrons at the bar across the street). My friend (Chad) said I should have gotten a paintball gun to snipe them with, but I said; “No. I don’t want to hurt anyone; I just want to yell at them from behind the safe anonymity of my window curtain. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! I am the great and powerful OZ!!!”
Well, ok. So I didn’t say the part about being “OZ”, but I was thinking it.

So I go on eBay and order a megaphone for $16 (plus shipping and handling) and it was delivered to me three days ago. And wouldn’t you know it; in those three days the noise has subsided. I’m over here dying to use this thing and where has the noise gone! Why God of fire and gunpowder?! When I want the noise it’s not here! Until last night at 3am when a car pulled up to the bar across the street and the driver turned his stereo up full blast. He ran into the bar and left his car running in the street, the chassis sitting there rumbling from the bass. I go to finally use my megaphone, but not only isn’t the guy in his car to hear my snide comments, but his stereo is louder than the amplification of my megaphone.
Now I wish I got that paintball gun, he left his sunroof open and everything.

Ok, for my first post I’m going to babble on about the 2005 MLB All Star game ads, because I know everyone gives a shit.
Fox kicked off the drama last night in typical Fox fashion, with an over produced pre-game show. Ah, nothing squelches the drama of a live sporting event like a drawn out pre-game. This time Fox really outdid its self, with its debut of a cross-promotional ad likening this years All Stars to The Fantastic 4 — narrated by Michael Chiklis (The scary milk dud lookin' detective from The Shield). Wow, now that you mention it David Eckstein does remind me of The Human Torch, flame on! Man, Fox is so wicked cool!!! (overt sarcasm detected)

Yes! And finally in the cross promotion we’ve been waiting our lives for. Ameriquest teams up with The Rolling Stones! An Ameriquest spokesman gets bounced around by a crowd of fans in front of the stage at a Stones Concert. It’s as if ‘Jumpin’ Jack Flash’ were written just for Ameriquest. Gawd crowd surfing is so hip these days.

My Worst of The Worst award goes to the Blockbuster Video commercials. Blockbuster launched its mail-in dvd program with talking idiots speaking to the camera and saying absolutely nothing. Makes you not wonder why Netflix doesn’t need to advertise. I heart you Netflix (single tear).

And this season’s clean-up hitter in this crop of crap (how's that for alliteration) is Taco Bell. Go back to the fucking dog, because the “Good-to-Go” geek ain’t cutin’ it. Does anyone actually write these ads, or are they just pooped directly from the Chihuahua’s rectum? Think outside the Bun? Seriously? Can we as Americans make a collective agreement to throw the phrase “Think outside the box” and any variation of it into an airtight and highly implosive box, which may or may not contain the phrases: “Bling-Bling”, “You go girl”, “Diva”, and the singing career of one Ashley Simpson. Please? For me?

And what would a baseball game on Fox be, without promos for it’s upcoming shows. Some girl solves old crimes by dusting off dead peoples skeletons, in this season’s crime thriller “Bones”! Followed by a death confirming report on Michael Rappaport’s acting career, after seeing a preview for his quirky new sitcom “The War at Home”. In this weeks preview we see him cringe as his white daughter brings home a black boyfriend; who goes by the moniker ‘Tee’, hilarity ensues as we are told that ‘Tee’ is really short for ‘Booty’. Oh, snap! I think I hear one lone white guy in Long Island TIVOing this for the season. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge Rappaport fan, but I wonder if this show is going to kill his career, or if it was already prematurely shortened after smoking all those skunky Spike Lee joints?

And when we finally got back to the game (I almost forgot I tuned in to watch a game of baseball) we were greated by an animated talking baseball named 'Scooter' who enlightened us big kids to the subtle nuances of the game of baseball...like what a fastball is. Seriously? How could I ever be expected to follow the fine game of baseball without the aid of a sissy child-like talking baseball? Without you Scooter I would never know what a fastball was. I eagerly anticipate seeing you again this weekend as the Yankees take on the Red Sox. Until then, happy trails buddy.

By the way — a baseball game was played and the American League was triumphant, winning 7-5. And the natives rejoice.

Additional rants:

During next years Baseball Home Run Derby, can we have less of the owners un-athletic kids shagging balls in the outfield? It’s sad to see 35 talentless little-shits scamper under a fly ball, over run it, fall down in unison, then fight the other kids for the ball. Tony Emenski is sickened by you. Buy his video. *Endorsed by Fred McGriff.

Did anyone see the interview in the dugout with Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle? I’m honestly not sure what language he was speaking. Hmm…talk like he have bunny poo-poo marbles in his mouf. Seriously, I know you were drafted out of Junior College and all, but the english language isn't that difficult to master. Hooked on Phonics worked for me.