Take Me Out To The Suck-Fest.  

Ok, for my first post I’m going to babble on about the 2005 MLB All Star game ads, because I know everyone gives a shit.
Fox kicked off the drama last night in typical Fox fashion, with an over produced pre-game show. Ah, nothing squelches the drama of a live sporting event like a drawn out pre-game. This time Fox really outdid its self, with its debut of a cross-promotional ad likening this years All Stars to The Fantastic 4 — narrated by Michael Chiklis (The scary milk dud lookin' detective from The Shield). Wow, now that you mention it David Eckstein does remind me of The Human Torch, flame on! Man, Fox is so wicked cool!!! (overt sarcasm detected)

Yes! And finally in the cross promotion we’ve been waiting our lives for. Ameriquest teams up with The Rolling Stones! An Ameriquest spokesman gets bounced around by a crowd of fans in front of the stage at a Stones Concert. It’s as if ‘Jumpin’ Jack Flash’ were written just for Ameriquest. Gawd crowd surfing is so hip these days.

My Worst of The Worst award goes to the Blockbuster Video commercials. Blockbuster launched its mail-in dvd program with talking idiots speaking to the camera and saying absolutely nothing. Makes you not wonder why Netflix doesn’t need to advertise. I heart you Netflix (single tear).

And this season’s clean-up hitter in this crop of crap (how's that for alliteration) is Taco Bell. Go back to the fucking dog, because the “Good-to-Go” geek ain’t cutin’ it. Does anyone actually write these ads, or are they just pooped directly from the Chihuahua’s rectum? Think outside the Bun? Seriously? Can we as Americans make a collective agreement to throw the phrase “Think outside the box” and any variation of it into an airtight and highly implosive box, which may or may not contain the phrases: “Bling-Bling”, “You go girl”, “Diva”, and the singing career of one Ashley Simpson. Please? For me?

And what would a baseball game on Fox be, without promos for it’s upcoming shows. Some girl solves old crimes by dusting off dead peoples skeletons, in this season’s crime thriller “Bones”! Followed by a death confirming report on Michael Rappaport’s acting career, after seeing a preview for his quirky new sitcom “The War at Home”. In this weeks preview we see him cringe as his white daughter brings home a black boyfriend; who goes by the moniker ‘Tee’, hilarity ensues as we are told that ‘Tee’ is really short for ‘Booty’. Oh, snap! I think I hear one lone white guy in Long Island TIVOing this for the season. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge Rappaport fan, but I wonder if this show is going to kill his career, or if it was already prematurely shortened after smoking all those skunky Spike Lee joints?

And when we finally got back to the game (I almost forgot I tuned in to watch a game of baseball) we were greated by an animated talking baseball named 'Scooter' who enlightened us big kids to the subtle nuances of the game of baseball...like what a fastball is. Seriously? How could I ever be expected to follow the fine game of baseball without the aid of a sissy child-like talking baseball? Without you Scooter I would never know what a fastball was. I eagerly anticipate seeing you again this weekend as the Yankees take on the Red Sox. Until then, happy trails buddy.

By the way — a baseball game was played and the American League was triumphant, winning 7-5. And the natives rejoice.

Additional rants:

During next years Baseball Home Run Derby, can we have less of the owners un-athletic kids shagging balls in the outfield? It’s sad to see 35 talentless little-shits scamper under a fly ball, over run it, fall down in unison, then fight the other kids for the ball. Tony Emenski is sickened by you. Buy his video. *Endorsed by Fred McGriff.

Did anyone see the interview in the dugout with Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle? I’m honestly not sure what language he was speaking. Hmm…talk like he have bunny poo-poo marbles in his mouf. Seriously, I know you were drafted out of Junior College and all, but the english language isn't that difficult to master. Hooked on Phonics worked for me.