In my neighborhood the Fourth of July is a magical time. A time too good to be celebrated on just one day. This is a time when our nations birthday must and I stress MUST be milked far past the limits of good taste. At least this is the zeitgeist of all who dwell in the apartments adjacent to my Clinton Hill Brooklyn apartment.
They kick the 4th off with a celebration so annoyingly loud, it couldn't be enjoyed on just the 4th. Nope, our pyrotechnics extravaganza is instead celebrated on the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, and the10th of July. And on the 9th day they rest, because their $50 stockpile of Chinatown bottle rockets runnith low.
Is this the ghetto Hanukkah I wonder to myself? Eight crazy nights? I’m not sure about all that, however it is a “Festival of Lights” but only part of the time, because most of the fireworks are being shot off in the afternoon! What-the-fun is that? Fireworks are for nighttime enjoyment! How else are you supposed to see the oxidizer mix with the ambient air to supply a brilliant glowing reaction? C’mon peeps!!!
So I thought I’d be Mr. Funny Man and buy a megaphone to project my own comedic play-by-play out my window at the people shooting off the fireworks (and the noisy patrons at the bar across the street). My friend (Chad) said I should have gotten a paintball gun to snipe them with, but I said; “No. I don’t want to hurt anyone; I just want to yell at them from behind the safe anonymity of my window curtain. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! I am the great and powerful OZ!!!”
Well, ok. So I didn’t say the part about being “OZ”, but I was thinking it.
So I go on eBay and order a megaphone for $16 (plus shipping and handling) and it was delivered to me three days ago. And wouldn’t you know it; in those three days the noise has subsided. I’m over here dying to use this thing and where has the noise gone! Why God of fire and gunpowder?! When I want the noise it’s not here! Until last night at 3am when a car pulled up to the bar across the street and the driver turned his stereo up full blast. He ran into the bar and left his car running in the street, the chassis sitting there rumbling from the bass. I go to finally use my megaphone, but not only isn’t the guy in his car to hear my snide comments, but his stereo is louder than the amplification of my megaphone.
Now I wish I got that paintball gun, he left his sunroof open and everything.