The Very Odd Couple.  

I’d often wondered what would happen if an actor and his stuntman lived together in the same house. Would they bring their work home with them? The following is a sketch on what I think would occur.



Announcer:
Chet is an actor. Jake is a stuntman.
They both live together in a NYC apartment.
Together they make a very odd couple.

(Chet returns to his apartment after work, his roommate Jake is sitting on the couch with a rather large ice pack on his arm. Chet and Jake are dressed identical. Jake is even wearing a wig that matches Chet’s hair.)



Chet Love:
Hey Jake.

(camera zooms in on Chet’s face.)

SFX:
Audience applause

(Chet smiles at the camera, points winks and delivers his next line after the applause dies down.)

Chet Love:
Home early from work? I didn’t even see you leave.

Jake Smith:
I kind of had a rough day at the office.

Chet Love:
Tell me about it! I had to shoot the hot tub scene 18 TIMES!



SFX:
(Audience sympathy.)  Ahh.

Chet Love:
I nearly missed lunch!

SFX:
(More audience sympathy.)  Ohh.

Chet Love:
Why was your day so bad Jake?

Jake:
Well, this morning while we were shooting the volcano car wreck sequence, the pyrotechnics backfired and burst my car into flames, severely burning an entire epidermal layer of skin on my left arm.

(Jake looks over and waits for crowd reaction. No reaction.)

Jake:
Then, when I was finally pried free from the car after 45 minutes of smoke inhalation and excruciating pain. I had to shoot the scene where you jump 6 stories onto a concrete sidewalk covered in marbles.

(still no crowd reaction.)

Chet Love:
Well, that must smart.

(cheesy grin and laugh.)

SFX:
(Crowd laughter.)

Chet Love:
Can you believe they originally wanted me to jump into a dumpster outside a sponge factory? I mean, where’s the danger in that?!

Jake:
(Angry) I don’t know Chet, where is the danger?

Chet:
Anyway, you want some coffee? It’s super hot.

Jake:
Sure, why not.

(Chet begins to pour the coffee but nothing comes out. He then puts the pot over his face and begins to turn the top of lid.)



Chet Love:
Oops, looks like this is going to hurt. Jake, I could really use my stuntman for this scene!

Jake:
This scene?! We’re at home! Can’t we have just one day where you don’t take your work home with you?

Chet Love:
Jake. Please don’t make the talent wait.

Jake:
Fine!

(Jake gets up from the couch and limps over to his spot in the kitchen. Chet is frozen in his last position. Jake tags into Chet’s place with the coffee pot above his head, just about to turn the top.)

Chet Love:
Great, now let’s pick that up where I left off.

Jake:
Hey Jake, you want some coffee? It’s super hot.

(Turns the top. Scalding hot coffee pours out onto Jake’s face.)

Jake:
Ahh!!!!!!!!!!! Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Son of a!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(No reaction from the audience.)

(Chet sprits’ his diet cola onto his face, as if it were coffee, and tags back into the "scene.")

Chet Love:
Ok, I got it from here buddy.

(Close-up of Chet.)

Chet Love:
Ah, the stinging! My face! My beautiful face!

SFX:
Audience gasps. Dramatic organ music plays.

Chet Love:
And…cut. Thanks buddy, that was fab.

Jake:
…Augh…

(Jake is now in the kitchen running his face under cold water.)

Chet:
(Smells something burning.) Crap! My toast, it won’t pop-out of the toaster.

(Chet gets a knife to stick into the toaster.) Jake, I’m gonna need you again bud.



Jake:
(Jake now has the spray nozzle from the sink aimed at his face. He gets mad and throws it into sink. Jake, who is soaking wet, grabs the butter knife and thrusts it in the toaster. Jake is immediately electrocuted.) Ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Once again there is no audience reaction, but the toast has now popped up.)

Chet Love:
Ok I’ll take it from here babe.

(Chet grabs a piece of burnt black toast and rubs it on his face to make it look as if he was charred.)

SFX:
(Audience sympathy.) Oh!!!

Chet Love:
(Back in acting mode now.) Don’t worry that didn’t hurt a bit, in fact.

(Close up shot.) It may have woken me up to all the injustices in this world, perhaps I should try this more often.

SFX:
(Boisterous audience applause.)

Jake:
(Head smoldering, face charred, arm/leg messed up.) The hell you will!

Chet Love:
What was that?

Jake:
You know what, I’ve had just about enough of this shit. It’s bad enough I have to do all your stunts at the office, but then you can’t help but bring your work home?

Chet Love:
(Close-up) But I…

Jake:
But I nothing! Butts are for strip clubs and filthy ash trays beside video poker machines at 4 am!

(Close-up as Chet gives puzzled look.)

Jake:
And another thing, why do you get all the close-ups? All the audience sympathy? And all the attention? You even get a cooler name — Chet Love. What the hell! I’m stuck over here with Jake Smith. Or as the credits read, "stuntman #2." I’m not even listed as the #1 stunt man!!! I demand some respect around here!!!

(We now see a little slow, jerky zoom on Jake.)

Chet Love:
I’m sorry buddy. I guess it was wrong of me to take advantage of you at home. I suppose at times I just have trouble getting out of character.

Jake:
Well, It just hurts that’s all.

Chet Love:
I know. I’m sorry about all the tough action scenes I put you through. And I’m sorry about the hot coffee. And about the toaster. And about jerking off in your shampoo bottle.

Jake:
What!?

Chet Love:
Oh, nothing. Hey, let me take you out to the movies to make up for it.

Jake:
Ok I guess, but you're driving.

Chet Love:
You got it buddy. (Chet opens the door to leave, revealing a steep flight of stairs.)

Chet Love:
They should really fix this carpet here, I’m always stubbing my toe on this damn thing. Oops!

(Chet does a fake trip and fall toward the stairs. Jake fake laughs, then shoves Chet down the stairs.)

Jake:
(Close-up) I guess Jackie Chan isn't the only one who does his own stunts.

SFX:
(Boisterous audience applause.)

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License