RLS Killed Humpty Dumpty

Posted in acorn king, burger king bathroom, digital underground, humor, humpty dumpty, humpty hump, restless legs syndrome, rls

*AP File Photo

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall."
This half of the story is true, but what all the kings horses and all the kings men don't want you to know is that poor Humpty was a long-time sufferer of the silent killer — commonly known as "RLS."

Restless Legs Syndrome is a condition characterized by an irresistible urge to move one's body to stop uncomfortable or odd sensations. It most commonly affects the legs, but can also be in the arms and torso too. Humpty Dumpty could have been saved, if only Humpty Dumpty was properly diagnosed and treated.

Mr. Dumpty was survived by his youngest son, Humpty (pronounced with the Umpty) Hump, who would later go on to defeat RLS in his own personal life. His song "The Humpty Dance" has since empowered thousands of RLS sufferers across the nation, who could now find a practical application for their afflicting disease (instead of annoying non-RLS people during movies). Sufferers can now apply their incessant fidgeting to perform a hot new dance move, as described in the lyrics below:

"First I limp to the side like my leg was broken
Shakin' and twitchin' kinda like I was smokin'
Crazy wack funky
People say ya look like M.C. Hammer on crack, Humpty
That's all right 'cause my body's in motion
It's supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion
Anyone can play this game
This is my dance, y'all, Humpty Hump's my name
No two people will do it the same
Ya got it down when ya appear to be in pain
Humpin', funkin', jumpin',
jig around, shakin' ya rump,
and when the dude a chump pump points a finger like a stump
tell him step off, I'm doin' the Hump."

Mr. Hump went on to accrue fame and fortune, while often "getting busy in a Burger King bathroom." To this day Humpty Hump has raised $0 for the RLS foundation.

5 Squirrels Squirreling

Anonymous says July 25, 2008 at 9:10 AM

As a sufferer of RLS, I wish I could contribute to the foundation. But unfortunately, too many sleepless nights have left me chronically tired, unemployable, and broke.

AoE says July 25, 2008 at 10:35 AM

Thanks, your article helped me come to terms with having bought a Dig. Und. cassette tape when i was younger (yes, i said cassette tape). Man but i loved that song ...

damon says July 25, 2008 at 5:20 PM

Without even a google...ready?

My nose is big.
Naah, I'm not afraid.
Big like a pickle,
and I'm still gettin paid.
I get laid by the ladies,
you know I'm in charge,
Dope, how I'm livin,
and my nose is large...

Well, probably pretty close. Damn that takes me back.