Walking, it’s something we all do everyday, but not something we all do well. Its more than just left foot/right foot (or right foot/left foot depending on your religious beliefs) there are actual rules to abide by.

Rule 1: Umbrella Chicken
On a rainy day, such as yesterday, I don’t enjoy playing umbrella chicken with oncoming walkers. If I’m coming at you and I have my umbrella low, go high. If I have my umbrella high, go low. It’s an easy game that even the smallest tot can master. Practice in your mirror at home, it’s fun!

Rule 2: The Crotch Pendulum
This one goes out to all the ladies out there. Some of you put a little too much swing into your arm when you're walking.
It may feel so right to you, but it feels so wrong to an oncoming walkers "cash & prizes." So unless you’re competing for a place on the US Speed Skating team, try to keep the swing arm to a minimum. Do it for the balls, they would do it for you.

Rule 3: Stay In Formation
When walking down a sidewalk there is a correct formation to walking depending on how many people you’re traveling with. The example below illustrates the correct and incorrect formations when traveling with 4 people. Note that in the correct formation everyone has a chatting partner. In the incorrect formation one person is trailed behind, an outcast to all – pushed to the back of the herd and susceptible to all predatory animals.

(Correct walking formation when traveling with 4 people)
0 0
0 0

(Incorrect walking formation when traveling with 4 people)
0
0 0
0

(Correct walking formation when walking on the set of the HBO series Entourage)

0
0
0
0

There are many-many-many more rules to walking, but these are all lessons I will have to leave for another time. Until then, keep your laces crossed and your legs straight.

I was cleaning out my email inbox today when I found an old story I had written to some friends. It's a conversation I had with a NYC Street vendor last spring. It made me laugh a little, so I thought I'd share it on here. Moments like this make me miss the dirty apple.

-My Conversation With The Corner Muffin Man-

Me:
Hey, you got any blueberry?

Muffin Man:
Ummm...Yup.

Me:
Cool.

MM:
How many you want?

Me:
Just one.

MM:
See...
(Shows me the muffin, squeezes it, and mumbles something about a woman)

Me:
What?

MM:
I said, It's soft like a woman's titty.

Me:
(Still half asleep)
What!? OK...Great.
Umm...Yeah...
Just how I like 'um.

MM:
(Pauses and stares)
Who doesn't?

(Continues staring and smiles as if he’s waiting for me to name the one person in the world who doesn't like 'soft titties'...or Bob Marley)

Me:
(I laugh, pay the man and get the hell out of there
before he gets a chance to liken any of his other breakfast snacks to a part of the human anatomy)


BTW:
He didn't lie. That muffin was soft.
Even softer than expected.
I've never felt so perverted eating a blueberry muffin, as I have today. And as I finished that final bite, I couldn't help but wonder what his honey buns felt like.
I guess tomorrows another day.

Seriously –
Does anyone know why every tree in the city (especially in the outer boroughs) are covered with audio tape?
If you haven’t noticed this phenomenon, just look up in a tree.

Did everyone in the early 90’s go “I’ve got a CD player now – Screw this cassette bullshit!”
then proceeded to strip the tape from their Jodeci ‘Cassingles’ streaming them across Brooklyn tree tops.

I still happen to cherish my MTV Unplugged version of Jodeci’s Cassingle ‘Lately’...almost as much as I cherish you mom. Snap.