A Treat From Halloween Past  

As I survey the eggs smashed along the sidewalks of my neighborhood I shed a tear and pour a little batter out for all those eggs that never reached their potential of being an omelet in my belly. Poor-poor eggs. Another Halloween is in the bag and this one was just as stressful as the rest. Why is it that the older we get the more stressful this holiday gets?

What are you gonna be this year? Are you going to dress-up at work? Is anyone else going to dress-up? I don’t want to be the only one dressed up. Who’s having a party? Is there a theme? How much am I going to have to spend on a costume I’m only going to wear for a couple hours? Can I find something cheap at the thrift store? Why does all this thrift store crap smell like dust and urine? Why does it cost as much as something I’d actually buy in a real store? Is it going to be too cold to wear this out? Is this going to be too hot to wear all night? Can I get drunk in it? Is it original enough, or is someone else going to be dressed like me? I better get some good candy out of this.

Halloween shouldn’t be stressful, but it gets that way. Long lines at costume stores don’t help up the fun-factor either, especially the ones in the city. Lines were stretching around the block this weekend, as if people were waiting to get into a cool club. There were even two ‘bouncers’ regulating the amount of people going in and out. Who do I have to know to buy a fake moustache in this town?!

Then we have the ‘Best Costume Contest’!!! Is it just me, or does the person that always wins have to be the one dressed in the biggest most elaborately uncomfortable costume? Next year I’ll win by dressing as a fully-matured oak tree, complete with tree house, nesting birds, and tire swing - all while being covered in poison sumac. Booya.

BTW (cool chat abbreviation)…when did ‘Slut’ become the official costume for girls across the U.S. (cool country abbreviation)? Slutty maid, slutty nurse, slutty angel, slutty devil, slutty librarian, slutty flight attendant, slutty popular children’s cartoon character. Hmm, maybe next year try turning the tables by dressing as a conservative hooker. But at least you dress like something. My main beef is with the 2 cool for school kids (usually teens that are way past their Halloween prime) that think they can get my candy by not dressing-up at all. Just because you slap bunny ears on your head doesn’t make me think you’re a bunny. You’re still dressed in your street clothes kid! I want to be fooled when I open that door. I want to think to myself…did I really just give candy to a talking bunny holding a bag? Crazy bunnies these days. Crazy, crazy bunnies.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License