Your #1 Source for Non-Existent Elderly Smut.  

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So I just checked this analytics service I use for my blog, to see which search terms are leading people to my site and I was delighted to discover that my number one search term was: "Old Woman Porn," sweet!

Now, I'm pretty sure this has got to be due to my: "That Time I Found An Old Woman's Porn Stash" post from last year. Actually I'm sure it is, because anyone arriving at this blog, hoping to catch a bifocal full of wrinkled-racks, or time-worn-taints, would be colossally disappointed.

Of course the irony of this is, by writing this post, I've now doubled my chances of disappointing those searchers stumbling upon my blog for the first time. So, as to not make this a total waste of their time, here you go. You're welcome.







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All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

9 Squirrels Squirreling

Father Muskrat   says February 27, 2009 9:30 AM

Okay, you now have gotten me back for making you stare at my bare Snuggie ass.

The Acorn King   says February 27, 2009 10:23 AM

Almost. Almost.
Oh, by the way, I saw were some people were organizing Snuggie bar crawls on Facebook. I think you should organize one in The A-T-L.

unfinished rambler   says February 27, 2009 11:53 AM

Whoa. I did not need to see that this afternoon. Thanks not. ;)

The Acorn King   says February 27, 2009 1:56 PM

Ha, no problem. At least they weren't real, it was a shot from Something About Mary.

The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma   says February 27, 2009 5:52 PM

Oh, AK that was just gross. My favorite key word is Spongebitch.

The Acorn King   says February 27, 2009 6:53 PM

Spongebitch, nice. Sounds like what might come out of Sponge Bob's mouth if he were a pimp.

Diesel   says March 7, 2009 9:23 PM

You can't fool me. I know E.T.'s boobs when I see them.

The Acorn King   says March 12, 2009 12:43 AM

Time has not been kind to E.T. and his boobies.

E-mac   says March 13, 2009 2:00 PM

lol those do look like ets tits haha.owwwwch

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About A.K.

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Acorn King works as an advertising copywriter. In 2002 he reached the pinnacle of his career, getting the opportunity to write for comedic genius Carrot Top. 

Realizing there was little left to accomplish in life, he decided to exit Madison Avenue and move to LA, where he is now free to speak about himself in the 3rd person. 
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Misconceptions About The Acorn King

  • I only drink Shasta cola.
  • I have a whammy bar hidden somewhere on my body.
  • I know the atomic weight of Boron.
  • I own a glorious mustache comb.
  • I can conjugate the Spanish verb tomar.
  • I wear socks and shoes with my stilts.
  • I hang out at the Regal Beagle.

Facts About The Acorn King

  • My favorite vowel is Y, sometimes.
  • Knows dyslexia is no matter laughing.
  • I like Hall, but not Oates.
  • Is sure that astroturf confuses earthworms.
  • When Jimmy cracked corn, I was the only one who cared.
  • Believes "aquarium" is just a fancy word for fish zoo.
  • Asian is the new black, but I'm white.

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